I have sort of been at odds lately. It came to a head after a conversation Amy and I had but it was not her fault. I have a lot of pressure right now and I don't feel I am handling it very well.

In some respects, work is my outlet. It is where I get my validation. However, we have been having "challenges" lately. Our bank cut off our line of credit after recently raising it. Their excuse was that hey were getting out of construction lending based on receivables. It still hurt us. We had to scramble to pay the note. I have also been removed as project manager from one of our largest jobs because of my felony conviction. Our customer is okay but the General Contactor will not allow me on site. I have hired and fired two takeoff guys and I am having to do their work as well as my own until I can find someone.

Then there is my personal life. I can't really say it is going well. I am seeing this guy Chris. He is a little different, even for my tastes. he is cute, smart and nice. However, he is into this Japanese anime and he dresses in a style it represents which is kind of girly. He works for Sephora as a makeup artist. he has spent the night a couple of times. It is very nice waking up with him. However, I don't see a long term thing with him. And now, when he is not here, I remember what it is like to wake up with someone and I get lonely.

I also ended the long distance thing with Alex. It just was not going to work. You may be thinking, "What is he doing having a guy spend the night while he was with Alex?" That is a good question, one I can't really answer. Maybe it is that i knew the thing with Alex was over and I had never really buried it. It is now gone.

I have tired of the fuckbuddies and don't see any of them at all. Granted, there are times I meet guys but it just seems like exercise. I want the emotional closeness and intimacy, not just the sex. While you may or may not believe it, having sex is easy.

Amy asked me if it would be ok if M was dating someone 25 years older than her. I said no. She asks me why it is okay for me then. I should have said that if she was my age it would be okay if she was dating someone 25 years younger than her. (Just kidding)

I have a lot of baggage. I am a felon. The IRS wants 240k. I am being sued for another 170k over an old business. On top of that, the old employer is suing us for Breach of Covenant in the Non-Compete agreement my other estimator signed. So, I see a lot of lawyers in my future.

Anyone that is my equal is not going to want to get into a relationship with someone with all of my problems. It just feels like I am going to grow old and lonely, with work as my only refuge with a stream of young guys to work off tensions. I feel I could become jaded and bitter the way things are going.

M is the joy in my life. I worry about her and what her life is going to be like. I worry about her health and the world will be like when she gets older.

Maybe I'll just go sailing.

Peace