Way back in the 60s, when I was in my mid thirties, I had a diseased gall bladder. Out it came with complications and a 4-hour stint in surgery. The surgery was apparently so medically interesting that for the time I remained in the hospital, and a medical technician or orderly came into my room, I would chat and tell them why I was there. Each and everyone answered, “I know, I was in the OR.” And I thought, oh, s… everyone has seen my privates.

The aftermath included a tube that was inserted into my bile duct with a little piece hanging out that was attached to a machine and, periodically, an aide would drain it. One twit dropped the apparatus and my head spun toward the machine in a swift jerk, pulled by the momentum. She had pricked her finger and was sucking it, so of course, she dropped stuff. I was too weak to strangle her.

When I left the hospital, the tube was still there, the little end sticking out of my side was clamped with a nut and bolt that weighed at least 3 ounces. When I got home, Jay went to his electronics parts supply, and replaced the nut and bolt with an anodized aluminum clip used in electronics. It weighed fractions of an ounce and didn’t rub the edge of the incision till it was raw. I showed it to the doctor, who was impressed. I hope she did something about it. I had to release the clip twice daily to let the tube drain. Finally after the bile duct healed, it was removed. I went to ballet class with the tube in. I didn’t jump, that’s all. The teacher chastised me for not jumping. I’m living with a tube, I said, and raised my jersey. That shut him up.

Prior to the surgery, they inserted a Levin tube into my nose that went down to my stomach. It was, I was told, to prevent nausea. Forget that. It made me gag, and my throat got so raw I thought I had strep. Afterwards I couldn’t make the little high-pitched mouse sound that I had perfected to get me out of arguments with Jay. When I made it he would laugh so hard he couldn’t stay mad. I eventually got it back, but it took several years.

In any case, I was wired, I was tubed, I was catheterized (having the kind of constitution that was furious at this invasion and refused to function). I remember dreaming about food because I was on IV for a week. I remember that when people came to visit, those brave few who could bear being in a hospital looking at a friend with tubes running in and out of every orifice, I would look at them in wild surmise. Who are these people, I wondered, who could walk around free, not tied to anything? I felt like a robot. I felt like I had been born in this condition and would always be in it.

This past week I have been enduring a back pain that was so pervasive that I thought life as I have known it was over. I had doom nightmares. I have been prone to these but not recently. Well, they came back, triggered by my subconscious that was telling me LIFE IS OVER.

I spent today flat on my back. Yesterday I visited a physical therapist who spent two hours with me, detoxified me with alternative massage, told me a great deal of my problem was the result of adhesions from the above mentioned surgery. She also told me today might not be good. It wasn’t.

But, in the afternoon, I felt better and was able to ride my bike. I experienced some recurrence when I went to the piano because, maddeningly, the problem is worse when I sit. I can walk, I can lie flat as on the floor, but I can’t sit. Well, I am sitting now, but I have to watch the clock. Still, I can sense an improvement because I can bend and straighten up without screaming.

I took Aleve yesterday because Jeri recommended it. But today it wasn’t working. So I retreated to the bedroom, lay flat on a heating pad (screw those who say don’t do that) and read a book propped up on a pillow. I spent hours doing that. I was not happy being physically idle because I live by action. Not moving when I haven’t already been moving depresses me. In other words, total flake-out is only acceptable after I have exercised totally.
I see the phys therapist again on Monday at one. I am looking forward to it. She is my new hero.

xx, Teal