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A Closed Heart
A Closed Heart
Where to start? Jack-Ass is my word of the week.
Thom and I are in the break-up stages. I've been really depressed for a couple months and in the meantime he's been pushing me away. At first I thought it was the crazy thoughts I'd been having when my doc switched my thyroid meds. Everything seemed awful during the switch.
But on his birthday night this past Sunday, he decided to talk about our relationship because he was feeling guilty about the way he's been treating me. He had been avoiding me, it wasn't my imagination playing tricks on me. He's depressed as well, feeling like his life isn't going anywhere, his career is not as profitable as it used to be as the job market gets flooded with younger people all accepting half the pay. And he keeps thinking about leaving LA.
So he's been pushing me away cause he doesn't know where his life is headed and he doesn't know where we are headed.
We had been talking for a couple hours when I left his place at 1:30am, he walked me to my car and kept trying to kiss me. I had already put the key in the ignition so the car was beeping at me to close the door. My Vibe is a smart car, BTW. I was annoyed at the beeping but more so that he was trying to kiss me after telling me that he's been avoiding me. He told me that he's still attracted to me, and before that I got the "it's not you, it's me" speech including the praises that I'm so wonderful.
That was annoying too. I did not humor him back with returned sentiments but instead just stared at him in disbelief.
He called to make sure I got home okay because he hadn't gotten the text message that I sent to say I made it home, and we talked till 2:30am. Over the phone he told me that he loves me as a person but he won't allow himself to fall in-love with me. He's been freaking out for weeks since I dropped the L-word on him. I told him that I think it's over between us if he can't love me back.
Being the indecisive guy that he is, he's trying to drag out our break up and wants us to continue to talk later this week. Knowing that I'm not going to handle this very well, and have cried so much in the last 48 hours,
I gave him the mandate to not call me at all on Monday and not to call me at work.
So instead he's been messaging me on facebook and myspace trying to be the good guy. I got a private myspace message yesterday evening, "Been thinking about you all day. How's your ankle?"
Why is he such a jack-ass?
I don't think I can handle another long talk about our future when there obviously isn't one.
But what I fear the most is being single again. I really dread the dating world. Am I going to be able to find a non-jack-ass in LA? I thought Thom was a nice guy but in the end he's just a jack-ass too. I just don't know how he can turn off his heart so easily.
I know I can't.
posted on June 30, 2009 7:56 AM ()
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