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No I have not seen your lipstick,
Â
why would you even ask me that?
I'm insulted!
Every time something goes missing around here,
everybody looks at me!
Â
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You are ALL Cordially Invited to
A Horny Hot Tub Party....
 
And you were expecting. . . what, exactly...?
Sometimes I worry about you.
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$2.99 Special
If you are a senior you will understand this one, if you deal with seniors, this should help you understand them a little better, and if you are not a senior yet........God willing, someday you will be......
We went to breakfast at a restaurant where the 'seniors' special' was two eggs, bacon, hash browns and toast for $2.99.Â
'Sounds good,' my wife said. 'But IÂ don't want the eggs.'Â
'Then, I'll have to charge you $3.49 because you're ordering a la carte,' the waitress warned her.Â
'You mean I'd have to pay for not taking the eggs?' my wife asked incredulously. Â
'YES!' stated the waitress.Â
'I'll take the special then,' my wife said..Â
'How do you want your eggs?'Â the waitress asked.Â
'Raw and in the shell,'Â my wife replied. Â
She took the two eggs home and baked a cake.  Â
     Â
DON'T MESS WITHÂ SENIORS!!!Â
WE'VE been around the block more than once!  Â
DON'T MESS WITHÂ SENIORS!!!Â
WE'VE been around the block more than once!  Â
Send this to the Seniors in your life. I'm sure they'll appreciate it!    Â
Even non-seniors will appreciate it
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Making the Flight Go Faster
A congressman was seated next to a little girl on an airplane so he turned to her and said, "Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."
The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total stranger, "What would you want to talk about?"
"Oh, I don't know," said the congressman. "How about global warming , universal health care , or stimulus packages?" as he smiled smugly.
"OK," she said. "Those could be interesting topics but let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff -grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, but a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?"
The legislator, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks
about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea."To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss global warming, universal health care, or the economy, when you don't know shit?" And then she went back to reading her book.
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Golf Story
>
>
>
>
> A husband takes his wife to play her first round of golf.
>
>
> The wife promptly whacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.
>
> The husband cringed, "I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us."
>
> So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door.
> A man's voice said, "Come on in."
>
> When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done. Glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the broken window .
> A man reclining on the couch asked, "Are you the people that broke the window?"
>
> "Uh, yeah, sir.. We're sure sorry about that," the husband replied.
>
> "Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you. You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes .. I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for myself."
>
>
> "Wow, that's great!" the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, "I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life."
>
> "No problem," said the genie. "You've got it, it's the least I can do. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!"
> "And now you, young lady, what do you want?" the genie asked.
> "I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the world," she said.
>
> "Consider it done," the genie said. "And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!"
>
> "Now," the couple asked in unison, "what's your wish, genie?"
>
> "Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife."
>
> The husband looked at his wife and said, "Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?"
> She mulled it over for a few moments and said, "You know, you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?"
>
> "You know I love you sweetheart," said the husband. "I'd do the same for you!"
>
> So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other in every way.. After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, "How old are you and your husband?"
>
> "Why, we're both 45," she responded breathlessly.
> "NO SHIT." He said, "Forty-five years old and both of you still believe in genies?"
A congressman was seated next to a little girl on an airplane so he turned to her and said, "Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."
The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total stranger, "What would you want to talk about?"
"Oh, I don't know," said the congressman. "How about global warming , universal health care , or stimulus packages?" as he smiled smugly.
"OK," she said. "Those could be interesting topics but let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff -grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, but a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?"
The legislator, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks
about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea."To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss global warming, universal health care, or the economy, when you don't know shit?" And then she went back to reading her book.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Golf Story
>
>
>
>
> A husband takes his wife to play her first round of golf.
>
>
> The wife promptly whacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.
>
> The husband cringed, "I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us."
>
> So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door.
> A man's voice said, "Come on in."
>
> When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done. Glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the broken window .
> A man reclining on the couch asked, "Are you the people that broke the window?"
>
> "Uh, yeah, sir.. We're sure sorry about that," the husband replied.
>
> "Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you. You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes .. I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for myself."
>
>
> "Wow, that's great!" the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, "I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life."
>
> "No problem," said the genie. "You've got it, it's the least I can do. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!"
> "And now you, young lady, what do you want?" the genie asked.
> "I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the world," she said.
>
> "Consider it done," the genie said. "And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!"
>
> "Now," the couple asked in unison, "what's your wish, genie?"
>
> "Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife."
>
> The husband looked at his wife and said, "Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?"
> She mulled it over for a few moments and said, "You know, you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?"
>
> "You know I love you sweetheart," said the husband. "I'd do the same for you!"
>
> So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other in every way.. After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, "How old are you and your husband?"
>
> "Why, we're both 45," she responded breathlessly.
> "NO SHIT." He said, "Forty-five years old and both of you still believe in genies?"
posted on Feb 18, 2011 10:57 AM ()
Thanks for the great giggles! 
A genie... I guessed where that one was going but it is funny anyway! Loved them all.
Great! I hadn't seen any of them.
comment by elderjane on Feb 19, 2011 7:01 AM ()
They were all new to me too. I got a laugh from them.
loved them!!!! I must be living in a secluded part of the internet world, I havent seen any of them...so thanks for the Friday laughs Joan.
comment by aussiegirl on Feb 18, 2011 9:24 PM ()
You are welcome. So glad you got a laugh from these.
You have to have a sense of humor especially when waiting on seniors--if I heard it once I heard it a million times--"How would you like your steak?" "On a plate!" and of course I had to laugh each time!!!
comment by greatmartin on Feb 18, 2011 8:38 PM ()
And I'll bet everyone of them thought he was being so original.
Love that genie.
comment by tealstar on Feb 18, 2011 1:40 PM ()
Me too. I think that was my favorite.
I have seen some these before.They are great.Loved the one about the eggs.
comment by fredo on Feb 18, 2011 11:27 AM ()
Me too! We Senior citizens know our rights!
These are great, sent them forward.
Happy Friday
Happy Friday
comment by anacoana on Feb 18, 2011 11:19 AM ()
Happy Friday to you! Have a great weekend.
Sorry about some of the overlapping type. It's the cheap software. Anyway, I hope you like the funnies. I copied them from a friend's post on another website. Hope she doesn't mind, but I figure she copied them from someone else's post.
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