So you see, I should have seen it coming to this, but I didn’t. He always said it would but
I did not believe it would happen, not to me. I knew familiarity breeds contempt but never thought anything I have done as contemptuous.

I guess many a married couple would have told me this would happen. Though he promises I can never be replaced, I have been. She is there and I am here where ever here is and for however long. I have to relearn my place.

I never thought we would ever again be states apart but we are and I am like I was then pathetic and needy waiting for the phone to ring, the instant messengers to make any number of their peculiar sounds waiting to hear from him. He gave me his old laptop, I hate laptops and was considerate enough to install of my software on her so I can still work.

Work, yeah that was one of the problems, I was not doing it near enough. That is not to say I was not doing my calls properly but I have not been doing the hard stuff like I should. I have not been doing my/our sites like I am supposed his index page is still undone after weeks of my building the site the work is still undone. Raunchy people needs more pages and has been lacking for some time. I have even not been performing properly in the most intimate of ways.

There is more, much more that I have done wrong and I suppose I will wait for him to let me know in more detail and address them. I am supposed to be using this time to soul search but it is hard when I know she is with him. Jealousy, I am not supposed to have it but now I do. Sex, him having sex with all the others he did never bothered me but she is in my place. She is only the tip of the iceberg he tells me.

So how did it go down it happened thursday?

Keep in mind I have been out of his confidence loop for at least three months.

He sent me to meet Beka. Beka is a Fem Domme he does shows with frequently. She has little use for females who give up their power to men but also understands where that can be advantageous to her. Well after meeting her, finally, I came home and could barely get in the door and there were bags of stuff in front of it and three suitcases. Not my suitcases. Seems the bags were mine, the garbage bags.

He took me in the bedroom where she was stuffing more of my stuff into garbage bags asked her to go into the living room and told me to sit down. He told me he loved me and that I am the only woman who has ever been a part of him and used one of his strange analogies , something about if one of his legs decided it had a brain and worked on it’s own free will he would not be able to walk of course it was more eloquent and drawn out than that but that’s what he said and now a part of him was not behaving as is should and were it his leg he would go to the doctor and have it fixed but since it is not her has do what he is doing now.

Johnny promised it is not forever but as long as it takes then Beka came in her van and he explained that he was giving me to her. Everything I was expected to do before was still expected now and that I would be on video during my all of my calls and various times while I was with her and that I had better not be slack about anything or in any area or what he assured me “would not last forever” would become permanent. I was to do everything she said without question.

Thursday night , well all the nights so far have been horrible but Thursday was the worst I had to sleep bound. I will not go into detail here but am making a private area for my mmmhollywould.com blog that will describe it in detail. What she did to me was for novices! I should say what she does to me is reminiscent of being trained for a new Dom. I do not want a new dom I want him but it seems I have her. Every time I say the word mistress I feel like I am going to vomit.

Friday though was the worst. I do not even know what state(Illinois I think) we were in but I was back on the live show circuit hooded and she let me be used. Course I have had others for Clinton sex per his request but never below the waist since he elevated me to his tree, whatever that means………….now………….

I am still in some hotel in Chicago I believe just because now you sparked my interest defiantly, Illinois.

I really just want to go home. I have done four shows now all of them leveling me down.

I sit in this bedroom waiting for my cell to ring for a call but it is always one of them, never him. It seems the only contact I get with him is an IM and then only when it seems I have hit bottom. Only it seems the bottom gets further and further down.

She was prettier than me 