Okay, so my new revelation was that God existed within everything, which I thought explained who this mystical Holy Spirit character was supposed to be. Y’know… the one area of the Holy Trinity that Sunday School curriculum never really defined. I was starting to feel that Christianity was just trying to over-complicate things with there being this whole three-in-one concept with the God in heaven, and Jesus being God in human form and then this Holy Spirit that no one ever bothers to explain.

I was sure that I had it all figured out -- the Holy Spirit is God’s relationship to us -- the God within. And if it's the God within, then doesn't that mean that every living thing is sacred and holy? So what's up with the three Gods mixed into one? Why can't we just praise the Holy Spirit and call it God, and agree that Jesus was just an enlightened dude with some great ideas. Why is he considered the only son of God? Aren't we all the children of God? And why did he die for our sins -- what is that even supposed to mean? (Actually, a side note, a few years ago my mom pointed out that Christianity is the only religion that saves you from your sins. To which I replied that it's also the only religion that tells you you're a sinner in the first place. “Touché,” she said. ;o) Of course, I'm getting ahead of myself now... so back to my story.)

I don't know, but at the time it seemed like it should all be pretty straight-forward… of course, these were just my own extrapolations. I *still* wasn’t quite satisfied.... That same question I had asked my dad when I was a kid continued to ring through my mind. With so many different varieties of Christianity – not to mention countless forms of other religions -- how does anyone know if they belong to the *right* one?

And then one day during my senior year of high school, I was in ancient history class and we were handed these orange text books. The title – “Religions of the World”. Groovy! I’m sure the topic probably bored half my classmates to death, but I was stoked. I poured through the pages, fascinated at all these different religions, their history, their practices, etc… I was in love. I didn’t want to return the book back to my teacher when the unit was over because I had barely been able to explore the depth of its weathered pages. I wish I had been gutsy enough to just keep it and pay the fine, as the fee would have been well worth it -- I felt that I had just scratched the surface of something magnificent. Something that I’d never learn in church. A different point of view.

It was around this very same time that I had had enough of the BS I was dealing with at home with my family (which, interestingly enough kinda conflicted with their core Christian values), and so I moved in with my very outspoken atheist boyfriend. (Just to be clear, I didn’t start dating him to be rebellious because he was an atheist… It was just a coincidence.) I had no desire to convert my boyfriend to Christianity, even though we often found ourselves in numerous discussions about religion – he challenged my way of thinking, and I actually enjoyed our healthy debates. However, it was during these conversations that I soon found myself redefining my views, as I started simplifying the higher power of God/the Holy Spirit in terms of “positive energy”. It was through these debates and simplification of spirituality that I started to question what it was that I really believed myself. It was like I was a third person listening in -- I could hear myself discussing my beliefs, but my words were no longer repeating any of the same dogma instilled in me from such a young age. It was suddenly becoming my own interpretation. And believe it or not, that scared me.

What the hell was I scared of? Well, that’s just it – I was scared that I would go to hell. Crazy, huh? I was scared that my personal interpretation was growing further and further away from the fishes n’ the loaves and that I was starting to think for myself and create this belief of my own.

I hate to say that organized religion is a form of brainwashing, because I have seen it work wonders for many people… and if it’s what makes you happy – then seriously, all the power to you! However, for me, it was a difficult task to break free from this conditioned mindset, and to allow myself to consider the possibility that maybe there wasn't really a hell waiting to punish me for thinking my own thoughts. And what scared me even more is when you question the existence of hell – it means that you also have to question the existence of heaven... and isn’t that one of the biggest components that organized religion is based on? The promise of an afterlife?

I had been raised to believe in a blessed afterlife, where you will get to spend the rest of eternity with all your precious loved ones. It might sound silly, but I always gave my deceased grandparents a little shout out when I said my prayers every night. So to question the possibility that heaven and hell might not exist… well, it's like rewiring your whole way of thinking, which for me was a slow process. It’s like someone coming up to you and saying, “Your mother and father never existed. You just imagined them – you actually raised yourself.” Only instead it was, “For the last twenty years, this heaven you’ve been taught to aspire to, and this hell you’ve been taught to fear… Well, none of it matters anymore.” But I knew that if I didn’t let go of my fears of what might or might not happen beyond the grave, I’d never truly be able to walk freely along the path of spiritual enlightenment. I would forever be afraid of all the "what-if's". It’s like someone once said, (which I’m paraphrasing of course), real patriots don’t blindly follow their government -- instead they question their government to ensure that they’re doing what’s best for their country. For me it was kind of like, a real spiritual person can’t just blindly follow the traditions of their parents and grandparents – instead they have to ask questions in order to achieve their own form of spiritual fulfillment.

And so it all came back to the question I asked my father “which religion is the right one?” But this time, the question had evolved into, “Which religion is the right one – for me?”


Okay, sorry... This really is turning into a much longer story than I had anticipated when I was originally inspired by HD’s article. So on that note, this will have to be continued AGAIN. I'm pretty sure the next post should be the last of these. ;o)