Okay, so Hayduke's blog struck a chord with me today about pet peeves.

Of course, while his are pretty funny (hill of beans... ha ha), mine have been just totally bumming me out lately. I'm normally a very optimistic, high spirited person, but I haven't been able to shake this funk. Every little peeve or sideways glance has been grating at me more than usual.

It all started a week or so ago...

I was originally bummed out because I felt like I didn't get out of the house enough now that we're working from home. I felt isolated from society. Like there was no point in dressing nice or putting on makeup because all we do is write and eat. The early evenings are too dark to go out for a nice walk (at least not without J worrying about me), so I've been stuck inside, and I really hate that feeling. I'd say it's the winter blahs, but winter hasn't even started yet. When I described the feeling to Janet recently, she said how I sound like a new mother. I can totally see that.... Stuck inside with no interaction with society for days and days on end.

Anyhow, since last week I've been making an effort to get out and about more often. I met up with a friend for dinner last Friday. We hooked up with our gang on Saturday night for an early Christmas get-together. Sunday we ran errands for most of the day. Monday I enjoyed some afro funk with strangers. Wednesday I went out for lunch and then I went to this book sale thing at a friend's house in the evening. And today I'm meeting a friend for lunch and then we're going to do some Christmas shopping. I've been getting out and socializing -- but even so... the funk remains.

This morning I sat in bed after J left for work (so he wouldn't think I was crazy when I started talking to myself), and I said every little thing out loud that has been bugging me lately. While some of them are just insignificant pet peeves, others (actually, only one in particular) is much bigger and beyond my control. But I think because I'm so knotted up inside about the bigger issue, that even the little peeves are capable of tipping the scales enough to make me cry.

I hate feeling this way, and I know it bothers J to see me so blue. That's why I wanted to make a conscious effort to identify what has been getting under my skin, and then just try to let it go. I'm feeling better, and so I'll share my big issue and little peeves with you now...

Okay, the big issue is with my sister and my niece. I love my sister. I do. But I wish she'd just... I don't know... get off her damn ass and quit procrastinating. I realize it's easier said than done, but allow me to explain and hopefully you can see what I mean.

The other night she gave me a call to read me my niece's report card. My niece is 6 years old and in the first grade. She's failing just about everything. Of course, they don't give F's to grade ones, they give them R's. She is passing art and science & technology. That's about it. A few times a week she goes to special literacy classes and math classes to provide her with extra help. My sister used to be in those special classes as well. Actually, my sister was never very good in school either. Even as she read my niece's report card to me over the phone, I had to help her out as she struggled to pronounce certain words. Words like "confidence" (which my niece lacks in a big way) and "initiative" (also lacking.) I guess the apple doesn't fall far from the tree... My dad also didn't do well in school and was never much of a reader either.

Anyhow, to hear this news completely broke my heart. My niece has already suffered from a lot in her short little life. It brings tears to my eyes... I just want to grab her and hold her and hug her and take her away from the rest of the world. She has so many problems, I hate to see her suffer in school as well... and even as I write this tears pour down my face.

I have been urging my sister to get her in to see someone. She needs professional help... not because of her lack of confidence and initiative in school, but all the other stuff which clearly ties into that. Let's just say that my niece is dealing with a lot -- more than any child should have to deal with. And yet, my sister hasn't made a f*cking appointment with anyone yet.

Well, I guess that's not completely true. She tried taking her in to see someone when she was only 3, but it didn't get too far. My niece was too young, I guess. Now she's 6, and she has told my sister that she would like to speak to someone about the stuff that has been bothering her. My sister acknowledges that it's important she gets her help, and yet she's been dragging her feet. She admits she's stalling, hoping that things will just get better on their own.

My sister has always been the kind of girl who will cut her nose off to spite her face, so you can't push her into doing anything. You have to be very delicate with your suggestions and be as understanding and calm as possible. However, it was one thing when it only involved her life, but now she's responsible for my niece's well-being too, and she really can't afford to dig in her heels because someone made a suggestion in a tone she didn't like.

When I speak to her, I watch myself very carefully. So while we were speaking about my niece's grades and her other problems, I asked my sister when she was going to get her some professional help, to which she snapped, "I'm only a single mom with two kids! I can only do so much!"

Ugh. Fair enough... but when you put that statement into context, it's nothing but a b.s. excuse. Yes, her husband is in Afghanistan, and so for the time being, yes, she is a single mom. However, she has the benefit of military resources. Her husband promised to contact someone on base before he left a few months ago, and he never did. He's as much of a procrastinator as she is. And okay, so she was pregnant with her second child at that time, and it obviously consumed a lot of their mind share... but some things need to be dealt with in a timely matter. And now things are only getting worse.

Also, because my sister is on maternity leave, she has been telling me all about how she spends her free time making trips to Ottawa to go shopping, and how she has started going rock climbing twice a week. For Pete sakes, almost every week, she even takes over an hour's drive out of town just to buy her smokes because they're cheaper on the reservation. So if she has all this free time for rock climbing and picking up cigarettes, then WHY the hell can't she get the ball rolling for her daughter? I don't buy her b.s. that she doesn't have time to make an appointment. "I'm only a single mom with two kids. I can only do so much."

F*ck.

Deep breath....

I'm sorry if I sound insensitive towards my sister. I don't vent my frustration out on her... I save it for J and my blog. I know it can't be easy. I know that... I mean, I can't possibly imagine how hard it must be to have a child that has such a dark cloud hanging over their little head... BUT, making excuses isn't doing anyone any good either.

So yeah, I guess that's the big issue that has torn the hole, and has allowed every other little thing to get under my skin.

The little peeves are barely worth mentioning now. I don't know if they're even pet peeves, as much as they are little things that have made me irritable lately.

Stuff like...

Pet Peeve # 1: My lack of a full driver's license

I haven't gone for my full license yet. I can drive, but I just haven't completed my full license yet. I really hate talking about it... but, because I feel comfortable here in blog land, I'll tell you the shortened version. My dad wouldn't let me get my license. Then I moved out on my own and never owned a car. I relied on public transportation until I moved to BC. I got my Learner's in BC, but it was mainly to have BC ID. I still didn't have a car to practice with, and I couldn't afford lessons, so it eventually expired. Then I got my Learner's again, and would occasionally practice with J's car, but the truth is I don't feel confident enough to do the test for my New Drivers level yet. There I said it! I lack confidence in my driving. I was in a serious accident as a child and worry that I will somehow be in one again, only I'll be responsible for it this time. It's a stupid worry, I know. But it's my worry, and it's one I've got to overcome.

ANYHOW, the other night my friend brought up the fact that I don't have my license yet in front of a room full of smirking strangers, and it really f*cking bothered me. I came home and cried. I suck, I know.

Pet Peeve # 2: Lame Christmas Plans

Our Christmas plans this year kinda annoys me, but what are ya gonna do? The plan is to head out to J's folks a few days before Christmas, and then on Christmas Day make the 2.5 hour drive back into town so we can have dinner with the new baby... and then they suggested that we could drive back out to their place the next day.

I understand the excitement to spend Christmas Day with the new baby, but winter driving on Christmas Day just to say that we got to see the baby on it's first Christmas... I dunno. (Tying into pet peeve #1, I even get incredibly nervous when other people drive in snowy or bad weather, thinking about how we might get into a bad accident. So for me, the less winter driving, the better.) Anyhow, I thought it was just me, and that I didn't understand the importance of baby's first Christmas (even if they're only a couple weeks old) because I don't have kids... but even SIL who is having the baby agreed that it's kinda silly with a lot of needless extra driving. Why can't J's folks just spend Christmas in town with us? Why do we have to go out there first, and then come back into town and then maybe go back out to their place again? Blegh.

Anyhow, I just looked at the clock and I had better get ready to go meet my friend for lunch. So I'll end this stupid rant now.

In any case, today is a new day, and I think I've started it on the right foot. I know the sister stuff is beyond my control, but I can control my attitude towards everything else, and so I will. And on that note, I think I'm gonna grab a shower and get ready for a little Christmas retail therapy.