Archbold the Astronomer saw two galaxies colliding. Then he saw lawyers rushing to the scene.

Brady the Baseball Player wondered why the ball was getting bigger. Until it hit him.

Cronin the Complete Physician: "You've broken your arm in two places. From now on, stay out of both of them."

Dolan the Dentist was named dentist of the year. He received a little plaque.

Egan the Electrician lost power in his home. He got married.

Finn the Fortune Teller quit the profession. He found there was no future in it.

Gallagher the Gardener: "If a man is alone in the garden and speaks with no woman to hear him, is he still wrong?"

Houlihan the Horse-Player: "The horse I bet on was so late getting home, he tiptoed into the stable."

Innis the Infantry Instructor: "When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend."

James the Journalist:"To what do you attribute your old age?" Elderly man: "To my having been born in 1890."

Kelly the Knitter is making a sweater while driving at 95 miles an hour. A police officer pulls up and shouts, "Pull over. PULL OVER." She shouts back, "No, it's a cardigan."

Lafferty the Lawyer called for a Bible while on his deathbed. He was looking for loopholes.

Murphy the Magician was driving down the street when he turned into a driveway.

Nolan the Nurse died and went straight to hell. It took her two weeks to realize she wasn't at work any more.

O'Leary the Optician fell into the lens grinding machine and made a spectacle of himself.

Phelan the Police Officer was called to a day-care center. A 3-year-old was resisting a rest.

Quinn the Quiz Master: "Where do you get virgin wool?" Contestant: "From ugly sheep?"

Riley the Researcher: "97.3 percent of all statistics are made up."

Shea the Student came home from his first day at school. "What did you learn today?" his mother asked. "Not enough," he said, "I have to go back tomorrow."

Tracy the Thief stole a calendar. He got 12 months.

Ulrick the Upholsterer fell into the upholstery machine. Now he's fully recovered.

Veale the Veterinary Professor: "What do you call a calf after it's six months old?" Student: "Seven months old."

Walsh the Watchmaker never charged extra for working over time.

Young the Yo-Yo Maker went bankrupt. He insisted on doing business with no strings attached.

Zane the Zookeeper wanted some extra animals but didn't know the plural of mongoose. So he wrote another zookeeper, "I want a mongoose. And while you are at it, send me another one."

(Well now. That'll be enough 'o that till next year!)