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Men Are From Mars....

Life & Events > Valentine's Day is Fast Approaching!
 

Valentine's Day is Fast Approaching!

I recently came across an article in a magazine about Valentine's Day. The only thing I remember about the article now is a reference to the "vacuum kiss". Donna likes to kiss, so I figured it would be a good idea to learn about something new, so I Googled it.

Turns out that there are many other kissing forms that have names I never heard of. So much to learn, and so little time... Now what to practice on.... Anyway, here's a sampling of what's available:

THE VACUUM KISS
Recommended in the 1936 manual The Art of Kissing, the Vacuum Kiss is performed by "sucking inward as though you were trying to draw out the innards of an orange." The powerful suction on the lips requires that the kiss must be brief. Be advised that when the lips have wearied, they should not be torn suddenly apart, or a loud smack will startle others nearby. Instead, gently loosen a corner of the mouth to release a faint hissing. If the kiss has been performed correctly, the manual notes, "a delicious sense of torpor will creep over your entire body, giving a lassitude that is almost beatific."

THE BUTTERFLY FLUTTER
Place your eye within a breath of your partner's cheek. Open and close your eyelids against her skin. If this is done correctly, the flutter sensation on her cheek should match the one in her heart.

THE EARLOBE LAP
You will do well to experiment with little sips of the lobe, but great control is recommended to avoid loud slurping--the erogenous ear is also an especially sensitized noise detectors. (Take care not to swallow any earrings.)

THE TALKING KISS
Sweet nothings whispered into the mouth are sweeter than those whispered into the ear, because the mouth is the preferred organ for tasting. If caught in the act, simply say, as Chico Marx, "I wasn't kissing her. I was whispering into her mouth."

THE HAND KISS
Historically, the Hand Kiss, with its required bow of subordination, showed deference to a lady. If a male was too superior to lower himself, he simply raised the woman's hand to his mouth. Since the Hand Kiss had now fallen out of fashion, it makes an unexpected romantic impression. To perform it correctly, lower your eyes and cup shoulders over the lady's fingers, prolonging the moment when your lips rest on her hand. You will know the kiss has made its mark if the receiver avoids washing for several days to make sure the warm sensation stays sealed where your lips have placed it.

THE ESKIMO KISS
Contrary to popular belief, the Eskimo Kiss is not done merely to keep the lips from freezing together. In fact, some tribes in hot African countries rub or press noses in greeting and use a word for "kiss" that means "smell." In Malaysia, Charles Darwin reported the following: "The woman squatted with their faces upturned; my attendants stood leaning over them, laid the bridge of their noses at right angles over theirs, and commenced rubbing. It lasted somewhat longer than a hearty handshake with us. During this process they uttered a grunt of satisfaction."

THE HICKEY KISS
It may take some practice to create a personalized hickey in the shape of, say, your favorite sailing ship. No need to get fancy. The main objective is simply to avoid drawing blood while leaving your mark that will prove to your sweetheart (and all her girlfriends) that last night's interlude was not a dream.

THE ELECTRIC KISS
Choose a partner. Turn the lights low. Shuffle wildly across the carpet until you've neared your partner in a sufficiently charged state. Lean slowly toward him, so that your lips are the first body parts to touch. Sparks will fly in the darkness. Avoid the natural inclination to pull away. After becoming accustomed to the shock, you may be inclined to increase the voltage with a battery-powered device or an electric socket. Resist the Temptation.

THE FRENCH KISS
Some call this "The Soul Kiss," because the life and soul are thought to pass through the mouth's breath in the exchange across tongues. Surprisingly, the French call this "The English Kiss."

THE MARATHON MAKE-OUT KISS
In the words of Elizabeth Barrett Browning, it is "as long and silent as the ecstatic might."
Source


If it's a man you're trying to please, try this.

Either way, have a happy Day!


posted on Feb 8, 2008 1:13 PM ()

Comments:

Lovely page... and may I mention that all of the comments, except yours and Fredo's are made by women... I think the men should take note...
comment by sunlight on Feb 14, 2008 9:06 PM ()
LMFAO!!

I may have to post that blog from last year - just for you!!!
comment by hawkwoman on Feb 12, 2008 7:01 PM ()
Too funny.
comment by teacherwoman on Feb 9, 2008 2:34 PM ()
Thanks for telling me about this site John
comment by elfie33 on Feb 9, 2008 11:25 AM ()
Hmmmmmmmmmmminteresting.But weird.
comment by fredo on Feb 8, 2008 4:48 PM ()
interesting! I need to try to be more quiet, it seems! (ha!)
comment by dkelly on Feb 8, 2008 2:44 PM ()
Had the hand kiss to often, the one where he raises the hand to meet his, next time I'll refuse since I know what it means. Great educational post John. You learn something new everyday
comment by lynnie on Feb 8, 2008 1:55 PM ()
The French call the French kiss and English kiss? That's truly strange!
comment by kristilyn3 on Feb 8, 2008 1:49 PM ()

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