The space of skin in between my breasts is itchy.
I’m trying to restrain myself.
And not scratch.
But it’s not really working.
I’m not sure where it came from. Or what caused it. Or what will make it go away.
My guess is that my body
Like my mind
(Not to mention my heart)
Is calling attention to the something
Or rather someone
Lacking.
That space shouldn’t be empty.
Or left alone.
I miss his mouth.
And the warmth from his skin
And his breath.
I miss watching him fall through the bed.
And I miss the feeling of purpose.

I was wrong.
I’m empty.
I am alone.
But instead of the feeling of relief I’m used to
I’m surprised by my own disappointment.
I thought I that I had given up my turn in that game.
Now I’m begging for my chips back.
I have no idea what this means.
Like so much in my life right now.
But it’s nice, isn’t it?
To be able to say good bye to at least one source of stress.

I forgot how much Kate likes the first few days after Emma returns to school.
For the most part,
She leaves me alone.
Wants very little to do with me.
Is too busy enjoying the TV to herself.
The toys to herself.
The yard to herself.
And the living room and bedroom
To herself.

And for a little while
She’s be happy enough to forget
That she’s supposed to be jealous.

Emma had a great first day.
New teacher.
New class.
And only one of the girls who gave her grief last year in it.
And that little girl
Is without her best friend.
Her partner in crime.
Her crony.
And that made Emma smile.

I’m getting sick of using fake names for everyone.
But I suppose it’s too late now to reverse that.
Olivia will always be Emma to all of you.
And Erica will always be Kate.
And little Julian has been branded with the name I wanted to give him.
I wanted him to be a Michael.
So I changed it.
In this format, anyway.
And Troy…
Well, he lost his “Rock” status a long time ago.

I’ve always been Janet, though.

And Janet I will remain.

Even if I’m not the same girl I was when I started all of this.