This is the longest I’ve spent in MyBloggers Land in a long, long time. I’ve been reading and while my interslice connection hasn’t been great, it’s been better than usual today and I managed to get onto everyone’s blogs and even leave comments without too much trouble (sorry, again, Gwen!). It was nice. To lose myself once again in everyone else’s life, letting the girls entertain Michael with their crazed antics and folding the laundry at a snail’s pace in between paragraphs.

I have so much I’d like to write about. I have so many thing on my mind that it threatens to erupt from time to time.

Porn.
America.
Canada.
Love.
Sex.
Developmental milestones.
Family.
My health.
Separation.
Money.
Work.
Punishment.
Blogs.
Middle children.
Hate.
Breastfeeding.
Herbs and vitamins.
Vermont.
Airplanes.
My in-laws.
Gossip.
My body.
Fear.
Disappointment.
Confusion.
Society.

The line that was crossed a long, long time ago.

And where we go from here.

Because nothing is separate, is it? All of those above things are somehow connected whether we choose to see it or not.

“Everything is governed by the rule of one thing leads to another” sang Ani.

I could pick any one of those topics and sit here and write for hours and fill pages. The problem is, I don’t even know where to start.

“From the beginning” a voice inside of my head whispers to me.

Only trouble is, I don’t even remember where the starting line was. And the finish line…well, I know it’s there…it’s just further away than I had originally anticipated.

And I’m pretty sure that it’s not at all where I thought it would be. The road just got a bit longer and a whole lot more winding.

So, instead of writing my epic about porn and the conclusions I’ve reached over the past ten months and how those very conclusions have changed this Canadian girl and have made it impossible for her to live the ordinary life in the ordinary way and furthermore have made it virtually impossible for her to look at anything the same way again, namely porn…

Instead of writing about how for the first time EVER in my entire life, I am seriously considering a move, not just out of province but out of country and how that may make things far simpler and how it may complicate things at the same time and how it terrifies me in this strange way that I wasn’t expecting because I’m not an overly patriotic person, to say the least but for some reason, the idea of becoming anything other than Canadian fills my chest up with an emotion I’ve never felt before…

Instead of writing about how strict this liberal land of mine really is…

Instead of writing about how I’ve never been loved this way before and how I’ve never loved another person in this way before and how just when I think I know it all, the walls are down, crumbled on the ground in a heap, I’m standing at ground zero all over again and being challenged but for the first time ever, not flinching…

Instead of writing about how my sex life is forever changed and that’s really saying something because my sexual life has always been peppered with oddity over the years and how I just realized this morning that by working my way through the sexuality of another person I am actually healing my own past….

Instead of writing about how Michael and I are heading into another gruelling couple of months, exercising and preparing him to walk, teaching him to use his muscles in conjunction and use the skills he’s learned in the same way and how I’ve kind of been coasting for a month or so and it’s time, yet again, to remove the blinders and look closely at him…

Instead of writing about how Don’s mother and sister hate me and how none of you are wrong, but it doesn’t change it and it doesn’t make it easier and how my own family has disappointed me, yet again, with regards to my son and I’m just sick of those revelations, I really am…

Instead of writing about how I have multitudes of mystery bruises and hives from stress and my stomach has never been the same since we were all sick while Don was visiting and my toilet got a work out and a half and how I was in some serious and scary pain just over a week ago and how I know I have to see the doctor, I really do….

Instead of writing about how nobody is going anywhere, at least not yet, and certainly not me, I am staying right here for a while and I don’t think that Rock has the balls, yet and I’m not pushing…

Instead of writing about how my financial position is not good, again, but no matter how not good it gets, I still can’t bring myself to value money enough to SECRET any successfully…

Instead of writing about how I don’t miss my job at Fake Name store at all but am looking forward to working again in the fall and how I’m applying at my favorite store of all time and I believe I will have a job there and then all Hell will break lose because you can look any way you’d like at that store and it’s time for the former punk rock janetk to break out, yet again and I’ve got a craving for piercings…

Instead of writing about how punishment, or rather self punishment and how those words have taken on a completely new and very, very sad meaning…

Instead of writing about how I started a new blog but didn’t post more than an introduction because my computer crashed but I don’t think it was coincidence because nothing is…right?…and how I know I won’t be blogging there at all…

Instead of writing about how Kate truly is insane and good goddamn, she is a terror this summer…

Instead of writing about hate, or rather self hate, and how those words have taken on a completely new and very, very sad meaning, too…

Instead of writing about breastfeeding, or rather adult breastfeeding, there I fucking said it, please stop e-mailing me and asking me what kind of fucked up thing we’re into because it’s not even that exciting and besides that, it’s really not any of your business and no, I don’t want to hear about how you and your honey are into handcuffs and such because it’s not any of my business, either, so now you know…

Instead of writing about how I smell like maple all of the time, even my pee and my sweat because I’m taking Fenugreek and that’s a side effect…

Instead of writing about how I might get to see more of Vermont than I had ever imagined and how I saw a car here in Janet Land from Vermont and there are no coincidences…

Instead of writing about how we’re less than two weeks until the next instalment of the Janet Land adventure and how I’m getting pretty fucking good at flying, if I do say so myself and how I really love the take off and I’m glad that I’m not a fearful flyer and how I’m gonna do that escalator descent again and I’m excited…

Instead of writing about how most of my in-laws are now “in the know” and how it’s a struggle to be spoken of, especially in a negative way and how I have to let that go, dig out punk rock Janet and give them all the Green Day, “fuck ‘em all” finger and how I feel silly resenting being painted in a bad light because nobody else has lived in this house for the past two years and I’m no saint but neither is he and really, it’s not any of their business, either but how this means that my mother in law no longer pops in and that’s fucking awesome…

Instead of writing about gossip and the fact that nobody paid this much attention when it was really a struggle…

Instead of writing about my own body image and how it’s a lot more fucked up than anyone really realizes and how I am sometimes scared I’ll never really be okay with it and how it’s been a fight with myself since the age of two…

Instead of writing about fear…of ourselves…of each other…of the world…of heaven…of hell…

Instead of writing about how I can’t help but still be a bit disappointed, even if there has been forgiveness…

Instead of writing about how I also can’t help but still be a bit confused even if I do know the truth…

Instead of writing about society and where we’re all headed and how I always like proving the point in my head, but shit, this time it ain’t good, the envelope has been pushed a bit too far, the line was crossed a long, long time ago and only unity and compassion will save us now…

Instead of writing about any of those things…

I think I’ll just read some more.

Happy Sunday, Everyone. I hope everyone checks out AJ Lunarhunk’s blog…we all need some candle light, it seems…