Jim

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Jim
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Cranky Swamp Yankee

Health & Fitness > Cancer > My Colon and I
 

My Colon and I


One of the joys of being over fifty is realizing that you have a colon, And that, like most other things in life, it can kill you.
When I was younger, what I knew about a colon was that it was a punctuation mark (:). That’s all. When I turned fifty, I found out that it was a part of my bowels, and if I was not careful and if didn’t eat plenty of roughage, I could end up with growths in my colon that could turn malignant and kill me. Some people with colon cancer have to have foot upon foot of their colons removed in order to stop the disease from spreading. So, rather than having colons, I guess you could say that they have semi-colons. (Sorry.)
It really isn’t funny. Colon cancer is a particularly deadly disease that spreads rapidly. So, especially at the age of fifty or older, it is suggested that human beings go and get their colons checked out.) It a medical procedure called a colonoscopy. (Kathy Couric had one done on her on national television a few years to spread awareness of colon cancer and colonoscopies. Her husband died from colon cancer.) What they do is take this tube that is equipped with an air hose, a video camera and a pair of snippers. They take this thing and shove it up your…UH-HUH!!!!
Does it hurt? No. The actual procedure doesn’t hurt at all because you are knocked out cold. The problem is the day before the operation.
Twenty-five hours before D-Day, they put you on a clear, liquid diet. Nothing to eat that you can’t see through. Nothing. Then, later on in the afternoon, you get to drink this glop called Fleet Phospho Soda, which is an industrial strength laxative that flushes out everything in your insides that isn’t nailed down. After drinking this god-awful-tasting stuff, (I mean, would it KILL them to make it taste like fruit punch or something?) you dare not stray too far from a toilet, because you will be needing to sit on it at least a dozen times during the next ten to twelve hours.
Sleep that night is hard. Your stomach is growling from lack of food. Your intestines are churning from WAY too much laxative, and you realize that, when you wake up, you will go to the hospital and have somebody plan and execute a terrorist attack on your body, with your tender anus as Ground Zero!
(What kind of person wants to be a proctologist, anyway? I mean, what little boy or girl, when asked what they want to do when they grow up, says, "I want to spend my entire career examining people’s assholes"? There’s something very wrong there!)
 
I went for my second colonoscopy today. My first one was four years ago. Back then, they removed a single, non-cancerous polyp. Because they found a polyp, I have to come back every three to four years for more colonoscopies.
Mary came with me to the hospital this morning. I was admitted at 7:30 a.m. I immediately had to take off all my clothes and put on one of those undignified, drafty johnnies that are WIDE OPEN in the back. They stuck a needle in my arm with a saline drip. (For some reason, hospitals LOVE salty water!) Then, the wheeled me off to the Poop Deck, where the colonoscopy would take place. I watched as the doctor put the La La Juice into my IV drip, and I remember getting sleepy.
The next thing I remember is waking up in recovery with the sweetest nurse hovering over me and smiling down at me.
"Are you okay?" she asked softly.
"Right as rain," I said weakly.
Then Mary came in and sat next to me. They brought me cranberry juice and a muffin, which I devoured on the spot. (Remember, I hadn’t eaten a THING for over twenty-five hours!)
Next, they took the drip out of my arm and let me get dressed.
Shortly after that, Dr. Roger stopped in and told me that everything looked really good. The procedure lasted about twenty-five minutes, and he found and removed one tiny polyp that he didn’t think would be troublesome at all. He also said that I had a slight case of diviticulitis, which, as he explained it, is a roughening of the texture of the intestine wall. He said that if I eat popcorn or foods with small seeds, the small particles could get caught in these rough spots and cause some discomfort in my abdominal area.
I asked him what caused this condition. He smiled teasingly, knowing me, and said, "Age."
I smiled back and said, "Bastard!"
So, now I’m home, fit as fiddle, and happy that next colonoscopy is three to four years away.
Being male, I hate going to the doctor. It’s not that I hate doctors; I don’t. In fact I LOVE my doctor. My primary doctor, Kristin Gildersleeve, is a friend of mine, and she is the greatest thing since sliced bread. What I hate about going to doctors is what they might find wrong with me.
I mean, if Dr. Roger came up to me after the procedure today and said something like, "Jim, we removed seven polyps from you today, and three of them look a little suspicious", my disposition right this minute would be anything but sunny. I know that if this were the case, my prognosis would be good because the polyps would have been discovered early, thanks to the colonoscopy. I also know that, if I had cancerous polyps, and they went undiscovered, I would be dead in a few years.
I understand all of that. However, it still doesn’t make me look forward to going to the doctor for preventative maintenance.
For some reason, something in my head DOESN’T WANT TO KNOW if something is seriously wrong with me!
I remember thinking as they were wheeling down to the operating room, "These could be the last few moments of normalcy I’ll ever have in my life!"
Strange, huh? I don’t expect you to understand, especially if you’re a woman> (For some reason, women have a much easier time going to the doctor than men do.)
All I know is that I went, I had it done, I’m fine, I’m relieved, and now, I want to get on with life.
Have a great day!

posted on June 16, 2008 10:39 AM ()

Comments:

I think woman have an easier time with it because they are trained in that way of thinking since they first develop breasts. Women have to regularly go in for breast exams, and doing so requires that they think about the possibility of the exam turning out badly. Men don't really have to start with their ass exams until they get a bit older or have a history of ass cancer in their family. As a result women have about 30 additional years to get used to the idea of their own mortality. As a rule, men do not.

Now I had to when I was about 29, and I didn't like it then. But women must have to go through that 10-12 years earlier than I did.
comment by oombutu on June 18, 2008 1:31 PM ()
Bad News:
My Dad died of colon cancer at the young age of 47.

Good News:
I was required to have my first colon test at the age of 40 because of family history obviously, and the doctor said I had "the best looking colon he'd seen all day"

I told him to post the pic of my colon on the bulletin board with gold stars by it,
comment by shesaidwhat on June 18, 2008 11:20 AM ()
I call it "The Star Trek Procedure" as in going where no man has gone before.
comment by grumpy on June 18, 2008 7:30 AM ()
I can't say I envy you the checkup, but at least you don't have to go up in stirrups twice a year. Come to think of it the closest you guys come to that part is getting your shoes shined. Geez I hope next time I go the doc doesn't give it a final smack with a buffing rag and expect a $ tip.
comment by ducky on June 17, 2008 7:13 PM ()
Ugh...I hate the prep. I have to go every three years because my first one they found 7 poluyps. They were not cancerous so I guess I dodged a bullet there. I'm due, thanks for reminding me.
comment by justmyopinion on June 17, 2008 3:03 PM ()
It's a strange phenomenon isn't it? (And especially among men, I find...)that we don't want to learn what is wrong with us. Ignorance is bliss. So on that note, good for you for biting the bullet and getting the maintenance you need to keep yourself in tip-top shape. Not only is it good for your colon, but it's great for your peace of mind. This article made me laugh a few times... especially your comment, "I want to spend my entire career examining people’s ########"?
comment by mellowdee on June 17, 2008 9:27 AM ()
I'm glad you and your colon are doing well I don't like going to the dr either. But I do like my Dr. he's very sweet.
comment by elfie33 on June 17, 2008 6:16 AM ()
Definately glad it went well. I have had to assist with a few colonoscopies in the ICU (emergency ones) and have had to give people the phospho-soda treatment...it makes you very popular with your patients..

But now you know that you are Ok, and have years of normalcy left..
comment by ekyprogressive on June 17, 2008 4:49 AM ()
I've had three colonoscopies due to family history, and while I don't look forward to the prep, I do enjoy the happy-juice that they inject into the IV. My first date with Donna was a colonoscopy (mine) followed by Chinese dinner, so I guess colonoscopy will always have a special place in my heart! Good to hear that everything came out Ok for you!
comment by jjoohhnn on June 16, 2008 5:26 PM ()
Happy to hear everything went well with your colonoscopy.I'm not thrilled about going to the doctor either.As far as being a woman and all the extra tests we need is okay with me.I man doesn't get to have the beautiful experience of carrying a growing baby inside their womb.To feel it kick inside you.That special bond when you finally deliver this special bundle of joy that you has been living inside you for 9 months.In the end,it's all worth it.Laurie
comment by dogsalot on June 16, 2008 5:20 PM ()
Great! I have so much to look forward to. I have to get one done this summer! Booooo, give me moral support, pleaseGlad yours is over!
comment by teacherwoman on June 16, 2008 5:08 PM ()
Yes, the exam is aesy--you are out the whole time--it is that 24 hour prepping for the exam.
Regarding women and doctors--I would rather be a man and not have to worry about ALL the illnesses they can have getting older not to mention that'change of life'--hey, I still don't understand how they can go through child birth A SECOND TIME!!!
I think most men feel the same way--we dont' want to know whgen somethign is wrong or going wrong--we just want it fixed with as little annoyance to us as possible!
comment by greatmartin on June 16, 2008 2:24 PM ()
glad it went well!! Yep, I'm the same way at the mammo machine. The dawgnurse nurse has to threaten me when I don't make it to my appointments. She's a good nurse that Dawgnurse( mzscarlett @ mybloggers), isn't she? Good ole Mary, she is a wonderful woman, isn't she.
comment by cindy on June 16, 2008 11:52 AM ()
I do not concur that women have an easier time going to the doctor. So a guy is over 50 and get's violated once every 3 or 4 years (while knocked out!), and hey that's prolly the same for women, yet women hafta endure being violated by a doctor throughout their entire adult lives, ya know? Then there are the boob squishing machines! It's CRAP! CRAP I SAY!
It is CERTAINLY not easier by any stretch mister... at least not for this chicka.
But hey, I am glad you checked out a-ok!
comment by kristilyn3 on June 16, 2008 11:25 AM ()

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