Sometimes,
when I look at my children, I  say to myself ~~"Lillian, you should have
remained a virgin."
--
Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)   

I
had a rose named after me and I was very flattered.. But I was not pleased to
read the description in the catalog: "No good in a bed, but fine against a
wall."
-- Eleanor
Roosevelt

Last
week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since
been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that
statement.
-- Mark
Twain

The
secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to
have the two as close together as possible.
-- George
Burns

Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a
year. 
-
- Victor Borge

Be
careful about reading health books.. You may die of a
misprint.
-- Mark
Twain

By
all means, marry. If you get a good wife , you'll become happy; if you get a bad
one, you'll become a philosopher.
-- Socrates

I
was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. 
-- Groucho
Marx

I
don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon.  Then it's time for my
nap.
-- Bob
Hope 

I
never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in
it.
-- W.C.
Fields

We
could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through
Congress.
-- Will
Rogers

Don't
worry about avoiding temptation as you grow older, it will avoid
you.
-- Winston
Churchill

Maybe
it's true that life begins at fifty , but everything else starts to wear out,
fall out, or spread out.
-- Phyllis
Diller

By
the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go
anywhere.
-- Billy Crystal

The
cardiologist's diet: If it tastes good, spit it
out.