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It has now been 3 months since I was operated and had my aorta valve replaced. I
am ashamed, embarrassed, shocked and mad at myself!!! I went to the
diagnostic center today to get about a 1/2 a dozen tests done regarding
my neurological damage to my ear and throat. The technician asked me
to lay down on the slab on my back and as soon as my head the slab I
jumped up all stressed out and filled with anxiety. It seems I panic as
soon as I do that which is why I am unable to take a nap during the day
no matter how tired I am. I now experience claustrophobia and crowds.
Yes,
I have had and have some physical problems like a VERY loose tooth, an
allergy in my eyes (seems I might be allergic to the down of the
birds!!!) but it is the mental problems I am having trouble with. I
have gone from a happy go lucky, positive, Mr. Pollyanna guy to a gloom
and doom, negative, lonely alone guy and that is all new to me.
I
have been going to a psychologist and have attended a support group for
people who have had heart surgery--I spoke to our residen manager about
starting a support group here at Gateway for those who ahve/had heart
problems and we will see what the response is to that.
I
find it difficult sitting through movies and plays. Yesterday I went to
a neighbor to help her with her computer and from the moment I walked
in I was sweating and stressed out.
This is
not me and I don't know how to handle it nor am I. I don't like to be
whining and complaining all the time but that's what I seem to do.
Within
the next 10 days I will be going to see my urologist, vascular surgeon,
psychologist, gastroenterologist, cardiologist, opthamologist, NET (nose,
ear and throat doc), primary, dentist and a couple of more--I want
answers!!! I want o get better!! I keep on hearing that it takes 6-12
months to start recuperating--well, it is 3 months and I am in worse
shape, at least mentally, then I was in June!!
I,
also, plan to take a vacation from ALL doctors during the month of
Decemeber--I NEED that break after seeing 2-3 plus more doctors EVERY
week for 3 months!
One benefit, I guess, is that I haven't smoked since July 21 but I can't tell the difference. No, food doesn't taste better!!!
I
have been playing hell with my diet--no I am not gaining a lot of
weight but I am certainly not eating healthy--I am basically surviving
on 1/2 a gallon of ice cream, unsalted Planters mixed nuts and
cheese. The only time I seem to be eating healthy to any extent is
when I eat out and I'll have a salad.
Here's
hoping that I make it through the tests on Saturday not that I know
what will happen after the NET doctor sees the results--seems every
doctor keeps their secrets from the patient--why should they know
anything?!?!?
