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Why I Hate Social Media! Don't 'Like' This Column!
By Michael Musto
I hate social networking media even more than yucca fries! Here are 25
tweetable, postable reasons why. (Add your own smiley face.)
I communicate every day with dozens of people I've never met.
Meanwhile, real friends never call.... People beg you to "like" their
page, as if that will somehow add substance to their yearning existence.
Sadistically, I withhold all "liking." Hahahahahaha.... Gushy people in
the provinces message you that they adore your work and are dying to be
"friends" because you're so witty and amazing and they just want to
soak in the glow of your greatness. You approve them, then they
instantly start pitching their graphic novel that they're desperate for
you to write about.... My "friends" usually comment on the titles of my
posts without bothering to read the link. It's irritating, but I guess
you're supposed to be grateful that they did that much.
The hardest trick in town is to write a nasty comment in response to
someone who's left some hate on your page, then quickly "unfriend" them
so they can't respond to your response, but I've got it down to a
science.... Whenever someone on a Facebook thread is losing an argument,
they put in their last bitter words, then sign off with "Off to the
gym." That's code for "I'm dying here, so I'm going to act like I won
the battle and pretend to not read the rest of the comments." As if they
couldn't add some more whiny remarks from the gym anyway! ... Facebook
messaging opens you up to a world of numbing conversational ice breakers
like "Hey" and "How r u?" I'm deeply lonely, but not so much that I'd
answer those inane come-ons.... Facebook friends kiss your ass all day
and post dozens of photos of you, giving you the illusion of
international fame. Then you leave the house and realize no one knows
who you are.
When I write a pleading comment like "Let's leave Lindsay alone for a
second," someone will immediately reply, "She should die in a car
wreck, the low-life skanky cooze." ... Also, if you post something
about, let's say, the 100 best child stars of all time, no one will
comment on any of those choices, but people will line up to squawk, "You
forgot Anna Chlumsky! And the kids from Chitty Chitty Bang Bang!"
... Being tagged in a photo that has nothing to do with you is a
nightmare, and you can't untag yourself since it was posted by someone
you're having lunch with the next day.
All day long I get requests from a parade of whiners begging me to
join LinkedIn. This has gone on for five years! I ain't linking in,
people! ... But I am on Twitter, and I even tried putting hash
tags on every tweet to get extra followers, but it didn't work, so I
stopped that. Besides, why add bells and whistles to a brain flatulence
when the whole point is to keep things short and insubstantial? ...
Tweeting a lot is supposed to help your career, but the more you do it,
the more people think, "He doesn't have a life, does he?" (They seem to
forget that they're sitting there reading them all day.)
Celebrities hardly ever answer serious tweets from a respected
journalist—or from me—but they'll reply to any bozo in the hinterlands
who happens to offend them. They'll even respond to people
with nine followers! ... My followers "favorite" my tweets all the time.
WTF good is that gonna do me? That's the equivalent of "liking"
something on Facebook. Either retweet it or just mind your own freakin'
business.... If I tweet "I just made potato leek soup," it gets as many
retweets as one of my breaking stories that could change cultural
history. Maybe I should just stick to recipes.... Blocking Twitter
nightmares after you tell them off is as rapid-fire a game as
unfriending the Facebook haters, and it's every bit as gratifying.
I've "followed" people as a complete charity , only to realize
they never followed me back. I usually decide to unfollow them, then
start wondering if it's worth giving them that much power.... You lie
and tell someone you have to stay home and work the night they're having
a birthday party, only to have people tweet that you're actually at
Whole Foods, then a club, then an after party, then riding your bike in
circles. Busted times four.... Why look at cute photos of cats on
Instagram when you can see them actually moving and making sounds on
YouTube?
The "yawn" trolls, "Does it matter?" gnomes, and "Slow news week?"
creeps are the most annoying people in Christendom. Nothing is more
boring than some dullard who spends the day pissing on other people's
parties. When you write "Man killed on subway" and they reply "yawn,"
you want to bash in your screen but settle for a quick blocking
action.... Social media provide the irritating chance for people to spew
the same exact things in different places. When I dressed like Angelina
for the year-end Voice cover, a guy Facebooked me that I
actually looked like Stockard Channing, then he tweeted the same
hilarious observation, and then he e-mailed me, "Happy New year! I
thought it was Stockard Channing on the cover, lol."Â At the theater, a guy I hung with last year kept saying,
"I'm one of the few people who's not using you. I like you for you."
Then I noticed him looking down and tinkling the ivories on his cell
phone. It turned out he was putting on Facebook, "I'm with Michael
Musto!" ... Even more tragically, I was flattered....
I lasted on twitter all of 10 minutes. I have enough problems with blogging and bloggers!