(I wrote this 4-5 years ago--the men are
still my friends and I had to change very little in this post and very
little has changed in their lives but it did get me thinking and I will
be writing a blog about how far we HAVEN'T come in the past 41 years of
Gay Lib.)

I have 5 close friends--who by the way I
won't name by name --two who have been married but are now divorced--all
5
have grown children and 4 have grandchildren. All except one knew they
were gay when they got married. Why did they marry?

In the 50s, 60s, 70s, 80s and probably,
even today, gay men got/get married because of pressure from society and
from
themselves. In the 80s many got married so people wouldn't think they
had AIDS

At one time if you wanted to get ahead in the
business world if you were married or, even better, married with
children you had a better chance of advancing than over the single guy.
Married men were thought to be more stable, more responsible,
more
adult.

It was easier to get along in business, the community, in
life if you were a family man.

One of the men thought getting
married would make him straight, another thought the desires would go
away and a third didn't know he was gay. (The latter, who came out about
10 years ago when he realized that he was gay is the divorced one and
is making up for lost time.)

A couple of the men wanted to get
divorces but they knew they would lose everything financially but, more
important, would/could lose their children possibly not allowed to see
them. (It's a little better now but back then it was a reality that you
could lose everything.)

There was also the case where if they
came out they could lose their jobs along with everything else--for you
younger folks discrimination laws didn't start getting passed until the
80s.

How did the men survive? By sneaking
around--having
anonymous sex in bathrooms, back rooms of bars, X rated movies, parks,
anywhere, anyplace they could go or going to 'male sex workers'. If they
were entrapped their names would appear in the papers and most would
have to leave where they lived.

All the men are now retired--one
as I mentioned is making up for lost time--the other, who is divorced,
went through about 2-3 lovers and has now lived with his current partner
for 8 years. His kids have accepted him (and his partner)
unconditionally.

Of the 3
others 2 do volunteer work so they can get out 'away' to do what they
need to do during the day. The last one has a wife who is with him 24/7
and he pours out his feelings via e-mail and tries to live through the
'adventures' of others. Since he has retired he has had various
illnesses--coincidence?

I am not condoning or condemning these
men--they did what they felt they had to do at the time and not one
would change having had children.

Are things any better today?
Are gay men getting married because they feel they have to? To 'prove'
to themselves that they aren't gay, maybe being bi-sexual is 'better'?
(How come I never hear of a gay man sneaking out on his male lover to
have sex with a female? Why is it only gay men who say they are
bi-sexual? But that's a whole other blog!) To have children? They can do
that without getting married.

And the wives? I know one who has
to know about her husband but would rather not know. I really believe 3
others had no idea. The one who did know--he told her why he wanted the
divorce--felt betrayed and has been very bitter ever since.

Why
do gay men get married today knowing they will be cheating on their
wives. Afraid they will hurt their family if they come out? How many
women are married to men who are gay and don't know it?

I really
don't understand why TODAY a gay man will get married--any ideas?