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at first I thought Alan and Norman were just another couple of wankers,
I’ve now changed my mind. As I read on I realise their attitude towards
their relationship and each other is almost identical to ours. OK, so
it took us twenty years longer to move to separate rooms, but apart
from that, we've been the same. Monogamous not by arrangement, but
because that's what we wanted without saying so. Allan was propositioned
in London, goes home with a younger guy, suddenly doesn't want to, and
discovers he's unable to feel anything, no arousal… he says it's as if
he and Norman have inoculated each other so that they only feel arousal,
passion and lust for each other. And that's the way it has been for me
ever since the first time I had sex with H. It was so perfect, literally
the best ever, psychologically as well as physically, that I've been
unable to raise it with anyone else since, although I love looking at
beautiful young men and I've found myself many times in the situation
where the other guy wanted it and we were naked. Also, like the terrible
police entrapment episode, and the awful experience in Kansas for Alan
that neither could bring themselves to speak to each other about, there
have been a few unpleasant experiences I’ve had that do me little
credit, that I don't want to share with H. And I imagine it is the same
with him.
after forty-six years we're still only happy in each other's company,
talk and talk constantly, have never had nothing to say. Our experiences
as a gay couple have been identical to theirs too. Never going together
to staff functions, social engagements, never admitting we were
together, pretending in company that we didn't know the other played
bridge or if they took milk in tea… all those sorts of things to deflect
people from knowing we were a couple, because whereas most people can
accept single gays, they find couples very threatening and violence is
too common to be ignored.
and Norman got over it in the end, mainly because they were in the
entertainment industry where there were plenty of gays and little risk
of homophobic violence. Here we are still totally closeted, in a small
village. but neither of us like most people, and we've long since
decided we don't want to mix socially in case of unpleasantness, whereas
they lived in a social whirl with literally hundreds of acquaintances
and 'friends' and splashed their money around with decorators, cooks,
cleaners parties, and all that stuff.
been most interesting to read about the film and TV industry, how
talent, artistic and other qualities are deemed unimportant because a
film or series is only produced if it will make money. It explains why,
in my opinion, most USA TV and films [at least the ones that come to
Australia] are banal, vacuous and boring. So much of value has to be
sacrificed in order to make it accessible to the masses—even the indie
films seem shallow compared to many European and Middle eastern films.
And the 'Star' system is perhaps the worst aspect of it all. It seems
such a shame that an industry so powerful, with the potential to change
the entire world for the better, has done the opposite, created a
fantasy world of violence, shallow emotions, slick silly comedy and
sentimentality.
H. nor I are pushy types. If people don't want what we offer, then we
go away, whereas the desire for fame and recognition that both Alan and
Norman exhibit is immense and accounts for their 'success'. I don't
think much of Norman's paintings, I agree with the reviewer who said
they were weak versions of David Hockney.
the book makes eminently clear, though, is that success is ephemeral.
People don't remember your past successes, they only judge you by what
you are at the moment they are with you, and so even the most famous
fade into obscurity.
an odd tale about Rock Hudson. Strange fellow. I'd also be interested
to read about the life of one of the 'number' boys in the expensive
bars, where they're all for sale. How do they get in that position, what
are their histories? Do they like it? What sort of men buy them. I did
it for a while, but in an exclusive establishment with carefully vetted
clients so there was no risk. These boys take their life in their hands
every time they go off with some stranger. I could never do that.
I found the book thoroughly enjoyable, astonishingly honest! interesting and well written.