My wife only has sex
with me for a purpose.  Last night she used me to time an
egg.

It's tough to stay
married.  My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my
glass!

Last night my
wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy negligee. The only trouble
was, she was coming home.

A girl
phoned me and said, 'Come on over. There's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was
home!

A hooker once
told me she had a headache.

I went to
a massage parlor. It was self-service.

If it weren't for
pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all.

I knew a girl so ugly that she
was known as a two-bagger. That's when you put a bag over your head in case the
bag over her head comes off.

I knew a
girl so ugly... they use her in prisons to cure sex
offenders.

My wife is such a
bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang
themselves.

I'm so ugly I stuck my
head out the window and got arrested for mooning.

The other day I
came home and a guy was jogging, naked. I asked him, 'Why?' He said, 'Because
you came home early.'

My wife's
such a bad cook, the dog begs
for Alka-Seltzer.

I know I'm not
sexy. When I put my underwear on I can hear the Fruit-of-the-Loom guys
giggling.

My wife is such a bad
cook, in my house we pray after the meal.

My wife likes to
talk on the phone during sex; she called me from Chicago last night.

My family was so poor
that if I hadn't been born a boy, I wouldn't have had anything to play
with.