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I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT I AM IN LOVE WITH MICHAEL MUSTO
You
have to pay for it. Animals don't have to pay. Does a lion sit down and
order a gazelle? It's just there. ... You can never fully fold
burritos. They should come with a roll of Scotch tape, especially at
Chipotle. ... Everything comes with fries nowadays. You can never lose
weight because even if you go to the finest restaurant, they'll say, "Do
you want waffle fries or home fries with that?" ... When you ask, "Can I
substitute salad for the fries?" they say "Sure!" Then when you get
your bill, you find they added a $2.50 substitution fee. ... Speaking of
fries, every one of my favorite things to eat is a waistline-swelling
carb like potatoes, bread, or pasta. Why does good-tasting always equal
bad for you? ... If tilapia only tasted better, I'd be thin and trendy.
Kim Rosen
I
bought three jars of mango chutney at a clearance sale and found that
the stuff does not taste good on a bagel. Now what? ... No one outside
New York City has the faintest idea how to make pizza. It's like they
lost the recipe at the border. ... I hate waiting for a table! How good
can the food be? There must be somewhere where you can sit right away
and just eat something . ... I can get a table at Le Cirque, but I can't get one at Red Lobster . What's wrong with this picture? ... WTF is imitation crabmeat made
out of? No, don't tell me. ... Dismayingly ratty-looking dives somehow
get an A rating. If the kitchen is so laudably clean, how about tossing a
little Mop & Glo on the restaurant floor? ... Friends always say
stuff like: "I make the most amazing fennel soup, duck Florentine, and
coconut-ginger rice, all with clarified butter. You mustcome over
sometime and try it." You finally go there, sit down to the feast, then
quickly start looking for a potted plant.
Diet soda causes cancer, but regular soda causes cancer and obesity. Some choice. ... The sushi at Food Emporium tastes the same to me as the stuff at Nobu. Raw fish on white rice is
raw fish on white rice. Am I crazy? ... Comfort food makes me nervous.
... Going to a restaurant with someone with dietary needs becomes an
exercise in ritualized torture, whereby a minimum-wage server is put
through an agonizing interrogation over whether there's any chicken
stock in the broccoli soup and what the odds are that the Greek salad
has pine nuts. You want to die, and you secretly pray they only spit in
your friend's food.
Dead lamb on my plate fills me with poignant thoughts of Gypsy . For beef, it's Into the Woods . Eating after theater has become un-doable. ... I am so sick of
salads. ... Everything does not taste like chicken. Ever try an ostrich
burger? ... The 99-cent stores mysteriously stopped carrying their best
item—frozen waffles—a few years ago. Sadistic. ... After hearing 10
minutes of the daily specials recited in graphic, loving detail, I
always tend to say, "I'll just have the grilled cheese." (With waffle
fries, of course.) ... Why is Thai so popular in Hell's Kitchen ? Because they're obsessed with noodles? ... I went to an Ethiopian
restaurant where you're made to clutch at the food chunks via pieces of
bread you lift to your mouth. It was marginally better than having to
use bare hands, but come on. Can't we bend the rules a little, people?
... I can bike to Costco , but how do I ride 10 five-pounds bags of quinoa home? ... And what is quinoa anyway? ... Growing up with meat loaf and Chef Boyardee , kids are always told: "Finish your plate. Children are starving in
China," and they think, "Lucky them." ... My mother's cooking was always
so extraordinary that it spoiled me for Italian for life. I can't even
eat at Babbo without feeling alternating pangs of guilt and
disappointment.
Which trend-Nazi invented brunch? Give me
breakfast or lunch, not some pretentious hybrid for hipsters with too
much discretionary income. (Ugh. I'm starting to sound like an old
Seinfeld routine.) ... The best ice cream in New York is at McDonald's . Alas, you have to hold your nose and head to the counter really quickly. ... Similarly, Dunkin' Donuts makes delightful smoothies, but it's career suicide to be spotted
there. Maybe they deliver? ... 16 Handles has a cute selection of
toppings—like pink animal cookies and sprinkly things—but you don't know
how much it's going to cost until they weigh your creation. When did
yogurt become a heart-pounding experience slash salad bar?
Too
many choices make me nutty. ("White or brown rice? Crispy or extra
crispy? Original, classic, or just dark meat?" Just bring me something
to eat!) ... "Shrimp" made of tofu generally tastes like "shrimp" made
of tofu. ... Mayonnaise makes me gag. So do butter and cream sauce. I'll
find other ways to stay fat, thank you. ... People who fetishize food
really creep me out. ("Remember that giant cannoli we shared, honey?"
"Yes, darling—and my palate still gets moist when I think about the
incredible sausage casserole we had for Valentine's Day .") Sublimate much? ... I hate parties where you have to try to make
pass-alongs into a dinner. You dexterously position yourself near the
kitchen and pounce on any tray that comes out, not losing concentration
even for a second. After consuming about 20 prosciutto and melons, you
turn green with nausea, and everyone else in the room hates you
forhogging. Still, I'll do it. ... When Spider-Man and his girlfriend
started eating branzino, I somehow lost the urge. ... Sometimes, you
wonder why your cat is getting Fancy Feast while you're eating $1.19 tuna out of the can. ... By the way, this column comes with fries. No substitutions!
Read more Michael Musto at La Dolce Musto
