On Monday, May 19th, I checked into Broward General hospital to have a catheterization done. On Tuesday, May 20th, a doctor, whom I had never seen before, came into my room and told me that I would have to have open heart surgery to replace my aorta valve. He spent a minute, maybe two, with me and said his name and telephone number would be on my discharge papers and then he was gone. On my discharge I was handed a booklet titled, "What You Need To Know About Heart Surgery" and his name and phone number was on the cover. If I wasn't already having nightmares the booklet certainly gave me a few!



I called his office on Wednesday and the receptionist knew nothing about it and said she would get back to me. Needless to say here it is 26 hours later, more than 48 hours when I was told I needed the operation, and my mind is in a turmoil!

In this series I plan to tell everything that is going through my mind--the good, the bad and the ugly--because right now I am in a negative state--don't even know if I want to go through with the operation for many reasons--I find that my writing down my various thoughts help me see more clearly--it's not a question of my feeling sorry for myself but what will it prove to live a few more years.

I want to schedule the operation for June 9th but can't seem to get any info and the longer I wait to make the appointment the longer I ask myself why do it???

As a 72 year old man, living alone, very use to being independent, between the booklet and e-mails I have received from friends who have been through open heart surgery it looks like I may be in for a bad time anywhere from one to 6 months if not longer. Now they have all lived with someone, (a spouse, partner, family member, etc.)to help during their recuperation period. I don't have that. Yes, I have friends who I know will help but I will feel uncomfortable asking them to stay with me as I understand I will need help 24/7 at least the first week if not longer. Besides I don't like anyone 'hovering' over me 24/7 and there are things I just won't ask friends to do.

Aside from that I understand there will/might be trips back and forth for rehabilitation sessions, that just everyday tasks like going to the bathroom, taking a shower, will have to be supervised. Yes, a lot of it has to do with my ego, and I do have one(!!), but it also has to do with the fact that I have depended on myself for so long it is hard to ask for help. As an aside, that brings up the whole issue of having to get a new sofa bed and if I want to get one which really is a ridiculous 'problem' which I will talk about more later.

I may be able to get help at home through my insurance but I have to check on that. Why is it I will/would feel more comfortable with a stranger than a friend--a vulnerability issue??? I am not afraid of the operation--what is the worst that can happen?--that I die on the table? No, I am worried about the aftermath and becoming what I never wanted to be--an old looking, acting man, shuffling along.

In this series I will be touching on a lot of issues, exposing myself as never before, how/what I think, where my head is at and just how crazy my mind works!!!

I know at this point I want/need to talk to the doctor and in spite of good wishes, advice, positive comments no matter what anyone says I am not listening.

Please understand that I am still the positive person that I have been and, no, suicide does/is not in the picture or even an alternative. My main decision is do I want to go through with the operation or just let nature take its course. Do I want to enjoy what time I have left and be the pleasure oriented person I have always been (which is probably what brought me to this point!)or am I willing to change who I am and have been at this stage in life??

mgood66@juno.com