(I
RECEIVED THE FOLLOWING FROM PETER IN AUSTRALIA IN AN E-MAIL--IT SHOULD
BE READ BY ALL HOMOPHOBES AS THEY WILL CERTAINLY LEARN SOMETHING--AND
SHOULD BE ENJOYED BY ALL GAY PEOPLE FOR WHAT IT SAYS!)
To the straight guy at the party last night:
 
A mutual friend of ours threw a big party for her 30th birthday, tons of people were
there and it was a lot of fun. Somewhere along the line you and I ended
up on the balcony for some fresh air at the same time. We
started chatting;wetalkedaboutsports,books, tv – discovered we both are
about to start our masters degrees and spent some time debating the
pro’s and con’s of the educational system. We talked about hanging out
sometime, and you wanted to meet my girlfriend.

I understand how
upsetting it was for you when I blinked mildly in surprise and said I
was here with my husband. I know it was a shock to your system, if your
face had turned any paler I might have called 911. You made a good
recovery though - that hurried mutter of “I’m not like that” was very
polite and you only knocked over two drinks and one vase in your hurry
to rush to anywhere other than near me. I can’t blame you – I forgot how
delicate you straight boys are. So I wanted to give you a few helpful
hints about where you went wrong last night.

1) As a general rule
we don’t walk around with big signs around our neck proclaiming our
sexuality. No scarlet letters, no scent of hellfire and brimstone… sorry
about that.

2) We do not generally assume that everyone within 5
feet of us must also be homosexual – it was nice of you to immediately
reassure me that you are hetero, but it was really unnecessary.

3) Homosexuality is not infectious. While I am sure you meant no disrespect with your
hasty departure; in the future you can rest assured that taking a few
extra seconds in your mad dash for safety will not result in you being
turned gay. It will however keep you from destroying expensive vases and
knocking over senior citizens.

4) This next one may come as a
surprise; but you are not, in fact, irresistible. The fact that you have
a dick does not instantly turn me into a bundle of uncontrolled lust.
Contrary to popular opinion, being in the same room with a straight man
does not cause a gay man to instantly lose all common sense and basic
common courtesy. Though I am not so sure about the reverse.

5) Homosexuals in general get a little irked when people treat us like some sort of leper. Rushing to another mutual friend of ours and advising him of my sexuality, so he could be “forewarned” was really uncalled for.

6)
Upon being told (by said mutual friend) to stop being an idiot and that
you were not my type anyway… it generally confuses the issue when you
then proceed to become upset that I DON’T find you attractive. Three
seconds ago you were running through a crowd of people with your hands
cupped protectively over your junk as if I might attack you at any
moment with a blowjob. See hint number 4.

7) We homosexuals have
an odd sense of humor – I can’t help that. Something about watching you
freak out as if all the demons of hell were after you just struck me as
vastly amusing.

8) While being pissed at me for dissolving into
uncontrollable laughter might be understandable… gathering a couple guys
together to “teach the fag a lesson” is not.

9) You might also
want to drink a little less and be a little more careful about the guys
you approach for your little proto-hate-mob.

10) Assuming the two
tall muscle-bound bruisers must be uber-hetero and just as appalled by
my presence as you was your first mistake. It was an understandable one
though. How were you to know that pflag tshirt the first guy was wearing
wasn’t a sports team? Also the rainbow ring the second guy was wearing
could have meant anything I am sure.

11) In retrospect I suppose
that upon hearing your not very subtle hate-talk and seeing who you were
heading for; I could have said something instead of just laughing
harder. I apologize for that. I should have just introduced you to my
husband instead of letting you walk up to him and ask him if he wanted
to help you teach “that fag over there” a lesson. I hope that broken
nose heals up cleanly.
**********************************************
Peter
and Hans have been together for over 35 years and they have had an
adventurous life--Peter wrote the following books --the first has sold
all over the world!

FREE BOOKS! (NOTE FROM PETER)

    
Would you mind correcting the links to my books? The link to Lulu is
void as I no longer use it, if they go to any one of these sites they'll
find a complete list of my titles. Had a few more fan mails from a guy
near Detroit [I thought the place was shut down] and a screen writer
from LA…
    XXX P
    http://www.feedbooks.com/userbook/30989/dancing-bare
    http://www.bibliotastic.com/ebooks/auto-biography/dancing-bare
    http://www.free-ebooks.net/ebook/Dancing-Bare