My kids are home!!!!! I was brought to tears with the arrival of my kiddos. The 4 days seemed like a lifetime. It is always so good to see them. They seemed to enjoy their time with their Dad and always do a lot of fun things. Disneyland Dad...lucky kids. They went bowling and saw a movie. They also went shopping and their Dad bought his bicycle and a computer. I'm glad he finally got them. He has been saving for a long time. They will both come in handy for him in the months to come. He has always enjoyed riding. I'm glad he will have something to focus his energy on when he is alone. I know blogging has helped me with my idle time. The only down fall of them coming home is the emotional adjustment for them. It breaks my heart. It seems that the first night they come home is spent in tears. They miss their Dad. My daughter cried and begged me to find a way to get back together. I told her that we talked and it just wasn't going to happen. I couldn't tell her I asked here Dad 3 times and he doesn't want me back. That would open up too many questions that I just can't answer right now. We both cried and cried until after midnight. My head hurt, my heart hurt and my eyes hurt. My daughter kept telling me how sorry she was for keeping me awake. She is so thoughtful. It breaks my heart that I can't give her what she wants. I didn't sleep much. I laid awake thinking about what I had done. I thought about the damage I caused and wished there was a rewind button. Somewhere in that thought process I fell asleep. This morning I recapped my thoughts again. I called to apologize to my husband again. I really do get the ramifications of what I did. I really do and I really am sorry. We spoke briefly about it and I told him I hoped he could forgive me. He said he knew but that if he did I may not know it. I know I will never know it. He will deliberately not tell me because he needs to maintain control. I realized it again when I told him I knew he didn't want to reconcile but that I wished we could. He said something along the lines of it would have to be up to him. He tried for 6 months. I realized it is over. There is no time line on love. There is not control. I was humble enough to ask him 3 or 4 times to consider trying again. Forget it. I don't want someone that will stand in judgment over me and proclaim his 6 month effort. Love is worth fighting for! I want to be worth fighting for. I may not be there yet but I will get there. I believe with all my heart that I will get there!