This legal stuff of the divorce is for the birds. I really wish we could have done this on our own. I paid a 2500 retainer to have my attorney send out a few letters and make a few phone calls. He only makes $250 an hour. Cheaper than some but boy oh boy.... what a racket. My attorney and I did a phone interview since I am working now. I told him what or how I wanted to respond. He told me he would write up my response and mail me a copy for my approval. I received it and called him to make changes. I didn't like the wording of any of it.... he had already mailed it! ARGH... he is more than willing to send a letter with explanation...free of charge. How nice of him since he wasn't suppose to send it without my permission. So much for them working for me! He then calls me today to tell me he thinks they are really close to coming to a deal. "They" who are they? It is getting closer and the closer it gets the more I don't want it to come. The end of my marriage... that is so hard to say.

The communication between my husband and I has improved. After I told him I wanted him to come home because I missed him he has been thinking. I feel really bad that I opened up so much confusion for him. He is now wanting answers to the affair questions. Why? How could I? I don't have the answers. Other than I made a poor choice and wish I hadn't. I don't know why I did what I did. I don't know how it happened. I don't know how to move past it. I don't know anything. I understand why my husband thinks I only want him back because D'man isn't available. It isn't true though. I just realized what I lost. So many times you don't know what you had until it's too late or gone. I miss the little things. I don't know if that is enough to sustain a marriage. I don't know what you even get married for anymore. I'm so lost now... I seem to know less and less the older I get. I don't know if he is really what I want (he asked me that today) I only know I miss him. Warts and all. I don't know if he can be what I need him to be. I only know I miss him. I now know I will be okay with or without him. That really is a great feeling but it doesn't make me miss him any less.