My counselor loaned me a wonderful book called boundaries. It was so helpful. I realized a while back that I lack boundaries and since reading this book I feel so much better. Things are clearer now and I love learning new things. A few things jumped out at me that really hit home.

First, I am compliant! I have spent so much time trying to please everyone that I would alter my boundaries to please other's. This wasn't difficult to do. After reading how children who are victimized lack boundaries, it all becomes so much clearer. The list of results from being victimized was unbelievable and I could relate with so many. Here are just a few of the many results: depression, impulsive, compulsive, poor judgment in relationships, further exploitation in relationships, shame, guilt, sense of meaninglessness and purposelessness, and the inability to set limits. The developmental processes are damaged when abuse occurs. When I was a victim, I didn't realize the damage that was caused because I was young. My ability to trust is now damaged. The person I trust the least is myself. My ability to trust my own perceptions is not there and I feel so naive and foolish. My taste in men is not the best. I am so glad I can see this now and be aware. I still have a long way to go but knowledge is so important and I am a little wiser. No more trusting of men like D'man or my husband for that matter. My husband hurt me very badly and I trusted him not to. I hurt him too but at least I was willing to forgive and try again. I am sorry he wasn't able to do the same. I can only be responsible for me. I need to learn to let things go that I have no control over. It is not easy, I wish I could just shake him and have him listen to me but I can't.

The other thing that became clear to me is that am just now learning to reap what I sow. I have touched base on this before but reading it just reinforced what I already thought. I am slow in the accountability. The book said "To rescue people from natural consequences of their behavior is to render them powerless." WOW... I am or was that, powerless. My mom really did cover for me when at all possible and my husband took over for her. I am not saying I have never been accountable, I did get arrested for shoplifting and did have a record and I did get tickets for speeding but, everything was taken care of. My mom paid my way out. It takes every ounce of energy I have not to accept help that is not needed. I am working very hard to accept responsibility and accountability for where I am today. I am proud of that. I really do want to grow up. I am so aware now of the damage my inability to establish boundaries has caused for myself and my children. I see the pattern continuing with me and my children. I am constantly trying to set boundaries with my children and then compromise on them. I realize I am not doing them a service. Reality will hit and hit hard if I don't stop letting them get off the hook so easily. It will take a lot of work and focus to identify when I am giving in on boundaries. I don't have anyone to tell me these things in the house. It's not like my children will say "Mom, you really shouldn't give in on that punishment just because I am being nice today." I wish they would. Sometimes I think my daughter is better at this than I am. SHHH don't tell her I said that

All in all I am feeling stronger today. I have anger for D'man and if I saw him could not be held accountable for my actions at the moment. I'm sure it will pass but I am very angry at the injustice in all of this. The emotions come in waves and anger is where I am with him. I trusted him with my whole heart and he stabbed it. I just found out he and his wife are getting their picture taken together Isn't that just the sweetest fricken thing! I want to puke. Not more than 3 weeks ago he loves me and misses me and now he and his wife are fricken lovey lovey and getting their couple picture together. My how people can just turn on and off their emotions. My husband did the same thing. I look back at about a month ago and he was sorry and loved me and bam a week later he wants a divorce and is done with me. No remorse, no sadness, just wants to get this over with so he can move on with his life. So glad he can just wave his magic wand and no longer appear to have feelings for me. I wish that would happen for me! Ok, I guess I need to stop! I didn't realize how much I had to say on this subject. Please forgive me and I don't blame you if you just skimmed my ramblings or bypassed this post all together! I'll love you all anyway