I don't think I should even be typing this. It will probably be something I either delete after typing or may totally regret posting.

**Warning: not deleting. BUT this is a big Negative Nelly post and I'm not looking for any sympathy or mental health adice (smiles and winks). So read at your own risk. Gee

Either way, I'm feeling strange and don't know what else to do with these feelings other than "write" and try to get my mind to communicate with my fingers. I remember in college they called this "free-write" and I remember a professor explaining it as "write whatever comes to your mind; don't edit or look for reason...." (something like that because 1991 was a long time ago!)Anyways I think part of me had already done this because I had kept diaries for much of my adolescence, but I definitely thank him for encouraging this type of writing. I know that myself, being an anxious person by nature, have found this to be very therapeutic and helpful to pinpoint what is bugging me when I may not have otherwise known. Or useful as a way to get it off your chest or out of your heart and onto the keyboard instead. And blogging of course, has put another therapeutic aspect by allowing others to comment on our blogs. Feedback and to know that someone out there is listening and possibly understanding. I know there have been several, almost eerie occasions were it appears I'm living a parallel life with another blogger and we seem to be experiencing similar things on similar days.

I totally digressed! But it did help to take my mind off how I was feeling before. (Depressed, anxious, tired, sad, angry, scared)

I hate being a divorced parent. There is so much guilt.

I hate the relationship I have with my son. He has always been (is) my baby. I don't need everyone telling me that he's angry with me and adjusting to the divorce. I know he is. There is no easy divorce. A and I tried (are still trying) to make this as easy as possible for them.

I hate that money (or lack of it) causes so much stress and unhappiness.....ho hum....sigh...

Wow! I guess this has turned into an "I hate..." post. Reminds me of when I was a kid. My sister and I weren't allowed to say hate, just strongly dislike.

I hate that my parents are in Florida and I especially hate that this week they've been at OLCC. My grandparents have owned a time share at this place since about 1984 I'd say. My aunt and uncle and my cousins own too (along with several of their friends). My parents owned for a while too. From about 84- 94 when I graduate college, I spent every Winter break there. After this was marriage and babies but we managed to go a couple times when the kids were little and we had went the last 3 years in a row. 2 of these years we didn't go to OLCC and then we went back last year for the first time in so long and it seemed sooo great!! When we were kids we didn't realize how lucky we were plus the resort has become so much more luxurious through the years.

I hate that G and I are becoming disconnected again after 4 or 5 days of feeling like we couldn't be closer. One thing I notice about myself (that I hate). I'm very hot and cold. Like the day before yesterday I was definitely thinking that G and I couldn't be closer if we tried and I couldn't wait until Friday (today) when he was going to take it off from work. Now the day is here, we've snapped at eachother and stayed away from each other most of the day.

I hate that I go back to school in 2 days after a 9 day break and I'm way more depressed than before break. I'm supposed to be rejuvenated! (I know, I know...many of you, my friends here have kindly recommended that I need to go back into counseling and please know I've heard you and am working a few things out in my mind about this first as I consider it)

I hate that it's 11 p.m. and I'm in bed with my dogs on a Friday night while my kids are with their father.

***Note to self! Write a I love list twice this size to counter-act all this negativity!