I had my evaluation today. It took about 2 hours. It's the same facility I went to in 2005. It helped then, but I've learned a lot more about what I need to get out of this treatment.

I need to own the diagnosis I'm given and I need to learn coping skills to deal with it. I need to stop doing to myself what I assume others are already doing to me. I judge myself. I tell myself that my mental illness isn't real: that I'm just weak or needy or someone who will never be happy no matter what anyone every does for me. Yes all of those things have also been verbalized to me ....mostly by my ex husband (but I owned them). I didn't stand up for myself because I knew he wouldn't stand up for me and I assumed that nobody else would be able or willing to accept me and my imperfections.

I spend most of my time worrying about:

1. What people are thinking at my work (I rationalize by saying nobody has checked on me or responded to my emails).

2. The fact that if I do indeed have to go back to school this year....I don't think I could. I don't know what I would do.

3. Hiding. I don't want people to see me in town and know I'm out of work and wonder why or ask questions or go back and gossip about seeing me.

4.Disguising myself: I don't want to be recognized. I'm thinking of cutting my long, curly, blonde hair to a real short, spiky cut...and dark brown with low lights. I never go out without sunglasses and a bandana.