(still not fatal)

Since I last wrote, unfortunatley I've gotten worse (in some ways).

Work became harder and harder: to get up in the morning, to feel like a failure, to deal with disrespectful students, feeling like nobody really cared whether I was there or not.

Even at work towards the middle of last wee, I couldn't stop crying. Little things would trigger my feelings. I lost my temper last Thursday and said some (not horrible) but still some things that were really pushing the limits. I was really afraid it would only get worse as the feelings listed above would become stronger with each day.

Friday I had taken one of my personal days that I would have lost if I didn't take it. G also had the day off. But it started like so many days recently: me crying and having uncontrollable anxiety and panic. While G went to his regular dr. appt., I called and was able to get into my dr. that I'm known for 13 years at 2:00 that day! (This never happens-must have been meant to be)

I really haven't been able to eat (very unlike me). At certain times, food totally turns me off. G took me out to breakfast on this morning but I barely picked at it and often times teared up. I truly was the worst I can remember being.

I couldn't wait for my dr. appointment. I literally felt sick and dizzy (from stress and anxiety) all day. And this is after taking all of my prescribed meds...I was a wreck! And I guess it was another blessing that my dr. got to see me at my worst. He was wonderful and after much talking, the end result is that I am out of work for stess syndrome for the next two weeks and then I'll be re-evaluated.

I can't imagine going back this year. It is my worst nightmare at this point. I want this whole, horrible, teaching experience to be a part of my past. I KNOW without a doubt that I've made huge differences in the lives of some of the students I've taught over the past nine years (some years only part time), but I'm also positive that I am no longer making a difference. I've accomplished what God wanted me to here and He doesn't want me to hurt like this any longer. He has a plan for me (I just don't know what it is)...and I will again make a difference (and feel good about doing it).

The latest malady that has happened is the death of my car. I was bringing my daughter to school yesterday and ironically the car died right across from my ex's (and mine for 10 yrs.) house.

I was anxious yesterday that I would recieve unwanted e-mails and calls from school with things I "had to do", but none came. I'm glad. Maybe nobody will even notice I'm gone...