I've been doing a lot of reading self-help type of books on divorce, making the most of life etc. I've done all the recommended exercises and they have helped give me some insight, but there is one exercise that has brought me to a halt in more than one book. It asks me to write/ build a dream that would give me excitement, passion and purpose to take steps every day to build it. This is where I'm stuck. I can't think of a dream that I am passionate about. I don't know what my ideal life would look like. I feel like I have built dreams in the past, and I have achieved those dreams only to be extremely disappointed because I'm not happy when I get there.

My original dream was to be a mom and wife. I wasn't happy being his wife. I dreamed of being a teacher. I wasn't happy being a teacher (or not for long). I dreamed of leaving my husband and starting over. I'm not happy. I'm not married, but have a wonderful guy. I have two great kids who are having some adjustment trouble, but I know they love me. I'm working but have no career outlook past this Summer working with my sister at the doggie hotel.

When I allow myself to dream, much of it is monetary...and I hate that. Before I can dream about things that cost money and "may" make me happy, I have to find a way to make money to make that happen. I've always been self-sufficient. Even when my ex used to say I wasn't pulling my weight, I know in my heart he was wrong and being verbally abusive. I was the heart of that house. I was the primary care-giver to our children, did all the household chores plus did at least some type of work at all times (although to him work didn't count unless it was full time). I've also always been the frugal one, spending money on the kids or the house, but not on myself.

I'm completely happy in my relationship with G. He is truly one of a kind...and all mine. I know that my dream includes being married to this man, my soul mate. Yet, my ego is not completely ready to let go all of the hurts of my past marriage. I know this will come in time.

I'm not at all happy with me....and I'm pretty sure that this is my biggest obstacle.I'm also pretty sure that I try, more than most, to improve my self-confidence and self-acceptance. It almost seems to be an unreachable goal...to be happy with myself. I know this statement in itself is self-defeating and I also know that most would say that these things are only unreachable because I'm "not ready" to "do" something to change what I'm unhappy about. I guess I have trouble with long term goals and I also lose will power not to jump back to my old ways and habits when I don't feel I'm making progress. Becoming comfortable with my bad habits and negative surroundings,for a false sense of security and happiness, has left me uncomfortable, insecure and unhappy.

I guess as I write this, I'm hoping for some long lost passion to pop into my head...an answer to the question: "What would make me genuinely happy?"

Do I dare even write something down?

Truth is I'm afraid to dream something up. I tend to dream in a "fairy tale-esque" way and I don't think this type of dreaming is going to help me. I need to be realistic and perhaps stop thinking that I am going to find some magic life ingredient that will fill me with positivity rather than negativity...something that would complete this sentence: "No matter what happens, it's okay because I have..."

And I think this has to be a part of me...because that is the only thing I can count on always being there. This cannot be filled in with another person's name, because I've seen what happens when you count on someone else to make you happy or fill the emptiness from within.

Perhaps this sentence starter would be even better: "No matter what happens, it's going to be okay because I am..."