I have to reexamine how I regard myself and my personal endeavors. When it comes to succeeding on behalf of others, take the Auxiliary for example, I can accomplish so very much! It takes much more than talent to earn first place at national level two years in a row. It also takes drive, determination and the ability to manage a team (of only three) that signed on for the task with little knowledge and no background experience in newsletter editing, layout, and photography.

I can paint pictures that make it into the permanent collection of the Coast Guard, or one honoring coal miners that is preserved at the W.V. Division of Culture and History museum. What I have not figured out how to do is how to sell myself- how to make money at what I do!
I wrote a darn book that everybody who has ever read thinks is great, but I have MANY more copies to sell before I will ever break even, let alone see a profit.

Then, there are my personal goals. I wanted to lose weight this year because I gained so much after my son died, and I did not want to be a fat 60 year old. I wanted to quit smoking because I did not want my grandsons to think I smelled like an ashtray. Why do I not succeed at the things that benefit me personally?

I think it is my attitude, my state of mind. I think I have never shaken off the profound and haunting sense of personal worthlessness that comes from being abused as a child and as a young adult. Deep inside of me is a voice that continues to whisper that I am not deserving of success.

That voice angers me. I finally found the inner strength to get my toxic sisters out of my life. Not once over the holidays did I have even the slightest desire to call or contact them. That is a good thing. I am finally through with setting myself up to have blame, insults and recriminations heaped upon me. (For those of you who read my book, Margie is based on these two sisters.)

Now is the time to still that inner voice. Now is the time to nurture all of the good within me. It is time that I took pride in who I am and what I have accomplished. It is time to be as kind, positive and motivating to myself as I endeavor to be with others. 2011 is a new year. Let me face it with a new state of mind.