I read and reread the thought for the day at the start of jjoohhnn's post about keeping an open heart. It contains no secrets on how to keep our hearts open or magical recipes on how to live one's life, just a reminder- like Jeri's reminder to keep our cell phones charged. Keep our hearts open.

The lines pointed to what is wrong with me- why I am so terribly unhappy and why I stopped painting, etc. I closed my heart.

Despite a long history of unspeakable abuse as both a child and an adult, for most of my life I somehow managed to remain loving and to keep my heart open. I tried to always see the best, the beautiful side of humanity and chose a career devoted to helping others heal from grievous pain. Then my son committed suicide. That was bad enough, but in the years after, I lost friends and family- I lost my support system. Anyone who has ever been through a divorce or lost their home understands this. Our friends just go away- just disappear, and it is more than simply a change in circumstances or status. People shrink from pain, even other's pain:

"No man is an island, entire of itself; every man is a piece of the continent, a part of the main; if a clod be washed away by the sea, Europe is the less, as well as if a promontory were, as well as if a manor of thy friend's or of thine own were; any man's death diminishes me, because I am involved in mankind, and therefore never send to know for whom the bell tolls; it tolls for thee."

After the more recent losses I closed my heart. I must find the courage to open my heart again.