I am trying to find my center.I am outside with my feet in the grass trying to empty a chest full of strangulating anxiety.
The past few years working with my boys school has left me feeling bitter, scared, hurt, annoyed, angry and more fucking ANGRY!
My son is Autistic high end of the spectrum (Aspergers). Joshua's school has failed him for the past two years. He has been on an IEP (Individualized Educational Plan)that was actually incorrect. His behavioral issues have never been addressed until this new school year and only because I rallied every big wig I could get my hands on.
We came into this years IEP meeting armed with a parent advocate, a therapist, The Director of Special Education, her assistant and a Autism Specialist that observed Joshua last year.
The school was the usual principle, IEP manager, New teacher (a nice lade I have no bitch with) and the school councilor.
Joshua's principle who had in a previous meeting said "Joshua and his Autism or whatever", looked like a bad cat that has been sprayed in the face for pissing all over the laundry again.
His IEP manager came off as scared, inconstant and disheveled. She wore her incompetence like a bright red lipstick at eight o'clock in the morning.
The councilor was just there. Not much input, just there.
His IEP was re written by experts. His school has sworn to act right.
Is that fucking it???? Am I suppose to just lay down now? Am I expected to fully trust this school that has insulted me as a parent and caused physical and emotional harm to my child just because now they say they will play nice???
DO WE JUST ERASE EVERYTHING THAT HAS HAPPENED?
I don't know how. I don't want to feel like punching people in the face but I do. How can they just get away with years of errors and mistreatment?
I have been racking my brains trying to figure out away to let it all go. Let it go and forgive. Forgive the fact that my family as a whole suffered. Me and the man have fought and begged Joshua to act right and sent him off to a school that denied his rights and treated him like some throw away and still we sent him there.
Maybe I am mad at me. Maybe I am angry that I am his mother and should have protected him better. Maybe I should have not waited so long to be educated on his rights. Maybe I failed him.
I am so hurt and scared and sorry. He has been cheated and left out in the cold. He has been set back in his social development and it hurts me to see him hurt.
Joshua asked my oldest daughter at the end of the last school year "Is Aspergers a disease?" She said "No it is like a syndrome." He then asked "Is it going to kill me?" She said "no." He then said "I guess if it doesn't kill me then the stress will."
It crushes my heart.
There now I have cried. Maybe I am better but I think I better go break a few things just to be sure.