Not all of the things I write are with a purpose. Granted, some of them are, but most of them are just because I like to "speak" here. I mean, no one from my real life knows that I do this, so I am free to be who I want to be. I can say what I want without explanation. I can pretend to be who I want without explanation. That, perhaps, is the biggest draw to me.
So don't judge.
Perhaps you can close this page and feel as if you have gained insight into the ways of someone else. Perhaps you will close this page and think that I am a crazy lower class bitch that doesn't deserve your time. Whatever you need to do with what you read here, take it. But don't judge.
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I said the other day that I didn't like being M's mom because it wasn't fun. Well, that didn't go over well at all with my mom. Nope. She proceeded to whip me with that tongue of hers until I thought I was going to bleed. But see, she judged. I didn't say "I don't want to be M's mom." I didn't say, "I wish I had never have had her." No, I simply said that I didn't like being her mom because it wasn't much fun.
And by "not fun" I mean, it's work. It's a constant effort, which means a constant outpouring of energy that I don't always have. I get tired on every level. She is a job. That old saying, "It takes a village to raise a child?" Yeah, maybe not every child (because if G could set the alarm clock and use the stove, she wouldn't need me), but M fo' sho'.
She is full of energy that I have never had. She is stubborn. She is going to do what she wants because that's what she wants to do. But the one thing I can say is that she is teaching me how fucking uptight I am about ridiculous things. So I'm slowly learning how to bend. But it's still not a lot of fun because I am a lazy person and she will not be raised successfully if I sit on my ass.
It's not fun because she makes me realize things about myself that I don't really enjoy realizing. First off, that I am lazy. Not that I can't take one glance around the room at the kid's shit tossed about and realize that, but she really drives it home. And who likes to admit that they're lazy?
She makes me realize that I am a total control freak. If I would just stop trying to make her do every little thing my way we would get along a lot better, but that's easier said than done.
But enough about that. Because I have other things that I don't want you to judge me on...
Like the fact that I am really considering calling her dad and telling him I want to have mad fucking monkey sex. No mention of the girls (because he doesn't seem to care). No talk of how he is doing (because I don't really care). But because I would like to have sex. And he is the only man I have had sex with in six years. It would be familiar. It would be...well, fast. Having sex with him was always like having sex with a teenage boy, complete with giggles at times.
Ew.
Yeah, I probably won't call him just to have sex. Me and my fucking overthinking (the profanity is intended, not the pun).
Sex for favors. Is that prostitution? Like, if I would ask a dude to stop by every morning and scrape my truck windows, maybe carry out the trash on garbage night and tell him that I have nothing to pay him with so we'll take it out in trade...is that prostitution? Of course, I would have to actually have something to do with a dude, talk to one, for this to even be an option.
And again, don't judge.
I was talking to a dude for awhile. He would call once a week and invite me to his house for a jam session of sorts. And we started to randomly run into each other at places around town. Then I called him one night while I had the girls in the tub. Madness ensued and I haven't heard from him since. *snort*
Coward.
And then there's the Long Lost Lover dude. A fourteen year reunion took place and it was odd. "I need you to be someone you can't be," he said, "so go to bed." BAM. And there it is. Though it was followed up the next day with, "You're still the coolest girl I know," and that made it all better between us. I know your mouth is probably hanging open, but don't judge. We had reached that point is all.
And knowing that I am the coolest girl he has ever known is always going to be a constant between us. And maybe one day we will both mature in the same ways, on the same plain, and we will get it back to good. I miss him. And the energy between us was phenomenal. Just a dose of him, such as his steady 1 min. 12 sec. conversations, is enough to carry me through the day. I love him.
"Maybe we never broke up," he said the other day. And maybe he's right because I have carried his wisdom with me for years (14 to be exact)and have wished for him to come back. So just a little dab of energy will do me. For now. Until The Universe makes us move in whatever direction It intends for us to move.
So don't judge.
Put yourself in my shoes. I have been a single mom for the better part of seven years. I have had to take care of everything while sitting in the silence of the deep night and realizing that yet I have accomplished little. I have had to go without a lot so I can keep my focus on the vast amounts that I have. I have made what appeared to be wonderful decisions only to realize that there is such a thing as a beautiful outcome from a horrible mistake.
I'm not very lady like, though I am a strong woman (to a fault). I have problems with love though I believe it truly is the cure for every problem created by man. I think it's okay that sometimes people do things just for the hell of it, to fulfill some deep driving carnal need. And I believe that we can learn a lot about people as a whole if we take the time to listen, realizing that comments aren't always necessary.
If you think you are a lot different than me, that's good by me. If you thin that you're a lot like me, that's good with me too. If you think you're better than me, maybe you are. I suppose it depends on the scoring system you use. Take what you need from me and leave the rest behind for someone else to use.
You may be blessed, you know, because perhaps, due to the pure candidness of my blog, these may be the best parts of me, the real deal, the truth. So use it. But don't judge.