I don't know why, but I have this gnawing feeling that something is coming. The feeling is so strong that it makes me want to get up and lose myself in some menial task as a way to work out the anxiety knot in my gutt.
Then again, it may just be that my girls are out in my truck with my neighbor. That's never happened before. Mom is gone, so I pretty much am the only person in this big ole house. Well, my bro and SIL may be dwelling in the basement, but their existence is pretty irrelevant.
Ech. I don't like having this gnawing feeling. It's breathing down the back of my neck. Creeper.
But here's the thing: I am in such a good space right now. I know that some of that has to do with reading juliansmom's blog. She pointed out how blessed she feels. And yes, I get that. And yes, as usual, on a number of levels.
I am poor. Ass poor. Don't have two dimes to rub together poor. But I'm happy.
And I'm lonely. I'm incredibly lonely. But I know there's a difference between being alone and being lonely. And alone is the way I am supposed to be right now. I get frustrated at that, but I'm accepting of it. I mean, this can't be the way it ends.
I remember years ago telling my single mom friend that I pictured myself having to raise my girls alone. I was almost ten years away from having my first child at this point, and I can remember her telling me that she didn't see that for me at all. She saw me with the little house and the little fence with the perfect man. Ha. At least I can say I was always able to see the truth, even while gazing at it through reefer madness. *snort*
My girls and I are getting stronger as an unit. Mak and I went to pick G up from school yesterday and for some reason I smiled when G reached for my hand while stepping onto the curb. There we were, me flanked by my chicks, just walking along. Someone actually made a comment the other day about me and Grace just sauntering along. That's the way we do. We're very at ease with one another. We walk and talk like two old friends.
My chicks.
I don't know if it's a good thing or a not-so-good thing that we are getting stronger. Shit, it's hard enough for the man who "belongs" in our unit to keep his oxygen flowing while with us; I don't know how a man will ever be able to enter our private little world when we become totally united. And I almost pity the fools who may want to try.
I read a man's profile on fb today. He wrote all this really cool stuff about himself and then wrote "tall, dark, and handsome. But before you ladies go crazy, I am the father of four crazy kids." That made me laugh. The Kid Clause. *grin*
He didn't mention that he was a single dad, which kind of surprised me. At total risk of pissing some people off, I loathe the term "single dad." Okay, that's not fair. I loathe the use of the term "single dad" when used in reference to a man without a girlfriend that happens to have his kids every weekend or less.
Ah. My chicks are home. Guess I'll have to finish this rant later. And I bet you're really looking forward to that. *cackle*