I work in three different classrooms. My main duty is covering lunch breaks for the teachers. One class is always napping when I go in there for my hour, so I spend most of the hour sitting in a rocking chair in the dark. I had a hard time with this the first couple of days because it's bo-o-ring, but then I realized that perhaps The Universe had blessed me with one hour a day to sit and be quiet.
I'm still adjusting to the sitting in one place and doing nothing for an hour, but it does give me some time to sit and...well, think. That's not necessarily always a good thing, but I'm usually in a relatively good space at work. But the past two days have been very rough for me emotionally and mentally. See, TYD woke up yesterday morning with a very low-grade fever. I had to leave her at home with my mom so I could go to work and take care of other peoples' kids while my own was at home, sick, without her mama.
Don't get me wrong, my mom did a fine job with her. But allow me to explain: This is my first job in nine years that has required me to leave the house to get paid. That's a lot of years. I have worked at home for almost a decade. I was here for every burp my girls passed. We were never apart. And then when TYD started pre-school I went to work.
I know I need to go to work, that's not the point. It's just that I wasn't here to keep an eye on her. I wasn't here to act on my intuition. And that fucking sucked.
Today was even worse. Her fever was higher this morning. I called and made a doctor appointment for her. I wrote everything down that I wanted my mom to tell the doc. I told her to be sure that she remembered everything he said. And then I had to leave to go to work. That sucked even worse.
The appointment was for 10:30. At 12:35 I was calling the doctor's office because I hadn't heard anything from mom and they weren't home yet. I talked to the receptionist and she read the file to me, so I knew she wasn't admitted *blush at my insane thoughts* but I didn't know what was really said.
The end result was that TYD tested negative for strep and the flu. Strep was never a possibility in my mind because she doesn't have a sore throat. And the flu? No. I could have saved them the swab. He presecribed an antibiotic, telling mom that because she had a fever for two days, something was going on *wondering why I don't have a medical degree*; if it was viral the antibiotics wouldn't help but if it was bacterial it would work. If she's not better in two days call. Really? So then I had a huge scare because she's allergic to penicillin and the precautions on the medicine said that if you are allergic to penicillin, be sure to tell your doctor and pharmacist.
I called the pharmacist and said to him, "I'm *That* mom. I just wanted to be open with you and prepare yourself for this because I am her." He was very nice and laughed at me about laughing at myself. He said there was a slight chance that she could be allergic to both because the drugs are distant cousins, but this was usually a replacement drug for those allergic to penicillin.
Where was I going with this post? I have no idea.
Oh, yeah. Sitting in the dark. And thinking. I thought about how proud I was of myself that I had actually gone to work these past two days. That was a huge step for me. Huge, I tell you. And I thought about how I needed to remember and rely on the feeling of peace I had the past two mornings. And I thought that I have truly begun to start over. This is a whole new chapter in my life, in my chicks' lives. It's going to be bumpy because I was so spoiled with staying home and being on top of everything. And it's going to mean that I have to learn to let go and let mom. *snort* I have to trust in her to step up and respect the way I do things.
It didn't take long for the quiet hour to end. And I have it to look forward to tomorrow too. And Thursday. Hopefully I will soon be able to totally allow myself the hour of quietness. I'm working on it.