I have fallen into my old habit of not sleeping again. I push and push until I just cannot continue and then I finally crash. It isn't like I am up all night and sleeping all day. I am up all night, I work all day and I have a few catnaps throughout the day.

The problem with these late nights is that when there is no hustle and bustle going on it is too easy to start to think. And I really don't like to think. When I think, I always get into the "what ifs?", and they always suck.

Things aren't bad for me. I am one of the best there is at what I do. I have a fairly good life. I am healthy. I have enough of the "things" many people place emphasis on. So, why is it that when I try to lay down close my eyes, that my mind races and spins off into these weird directions?

I made a settlement offer just now to the moronic corporate boogerhead ex employer. I will wait and see what his attorney says and if it goes through that will be one of my burdens lifted. But it seems like there is always another one right behind it.

I often wonder why I was never one of those people that would be satisfied with an 8 to 5 job. I think I may be too competitive. I have this burning, almost unnatural desire to be the best. I have to be number one and I will almost kill myself trying to attain it. I work long hours overnight. I push and I push and I push. Some of the people that work with me and for me don't understand why I do it. They tell me that I am not supposed to live to work, I am supposed to work to live. I tell them that this is my life. This is how I determine my value and my self-worth. Success. I have no real desire to be uber-rich. To me, the money is just a way to keep score. The bottom line is how much can sell? How many deals can I make? Where is the next new customer coming from? I really do love this shit. God help me, I do love it so. I thrive on it.

I think the difference between me and the moronic corporate boogerhead ex-boss is that I know what it takes to build something from nothing. I know what it means to seal a deal with a handshake. I know what has to be sacrificed and what has to be held onto at all costs. I didn't buy something and then think that everyone should rollover and let me have my way. I went out and have carved my piece of the business out. I have sweated. I have fretted. And more than once, I have cried under the enormous weight of all of it. I don't run to lawyers and file lawsuits when things don't go my way. No, I look around, figure out what we did wrong and then fix the problem. There is the next job. I don't worry of the ones I didn't get. I push as hard as I can to make the deal on the next job. You can't get them all. I am not entitled to one job. I have to earn it. My customers love me for two reasons. I do what I say I am going to do and my guys do professional, quality work.

I think so much could be done if others just listened to me. Imagine if you worked in an environment where we fixed the problem instead of placed the blame. Around here, I take the blame for everything that goes wrong. I will give the reason something happened but I accept it because, ultimately, it is my responsibility. And when things go right, which they often do, I give out the credit. I want the people that work for me to feel pride of ownership in a job well done. Them feeling good about there work, makes what I do so much easier.

I seem to have meandered a bit from my original path, whatever that was. I have forgotten. I would have to go back and read the beginning of this post, but I don't do that. I look forward. I push forward. Ever forward. Ever ready. I don't pay for the same ground twice.

Peace