IF I were...

Thinner - I wouldn’t be here …

Blonder – I’m as blonde as it gets these days. I color dark blonde and in a few weeks I fade to platinum.

Truly Skinny – I would eat two chocolates instead of one each night, have lemon meringue pie every week, eat hot dogs more than once a year – what a world.

Creative - I am reasonably creative but sloth has caught up with me … so I don’t use my talents. For instance, I am too lazy anymore to paint ….

Taller - I might have been a success in business but this doesn’t really wash, since I knew Judy Benjamin Del Rey who was a major science fiction editor at a large house and she was a dwarf. (Also Lester Del Rey's 2nd wife for those of you who are sci fi fans.)

Not Afraid of Mice – I once found a rat – really big --in our NY loft and bashed him (he was sick) with a shovel and threw him out the window where he landed on a white Cadillac in the parking lot below. Jay, was at the time, too ill to help me and never knew about it. Before all this, Jay used to put traps out and we would catch mice and he put up a sign with the score – Stantons 7, mice zero. And the meter reader couldn’t take his eyes off it and Jay never explained it.

Not Afraid of Snakes – They’re okay if they stay outside … I get upset if I see one that’s been run over. They have a right to be.

Richer – I’d update the kitchen and bathrooms and pave the pool deck and driveway and get my piano rebuilt. After that, I’d sit on the pool deck with friends and sip mimosas.

Younger - I would go back to dance class, study some piano thing that it’s useless to start now since it would take years to do (like La Campanella).

Smarter – That ship has sailed – would I really be happier?

Nicer – I’m still thinking on this one.

Here’s Anniel’s list:

If I Were...

A gardener – Our flowers would live and I might get some tomatoes at some point.

An artist – I used to draw and paint. My mother threw out my oils, not knowing how I cherished them. I now have no record, and no ambition to do more. Also I think I’ve forgotten how.

A farmer – I wouldn’t be a farmer. I’m a city girl through and through.

An architect – I'd build a Frank Lloyd Wright type of house that is part of the environment. I’d go there when I wasn’t in New York. Also I'd buy up all of Ayn Rand's novels and pee on them.

A teacher – If I taught in an inner city school, as one of my friends did, I would probably be violent at some point and wind up in the system.

An actor – I'd be very happy indeed, but this is not a talent I can sustain.

A singer – I used to dream of being an operatic soprano, but now I’d just like to sound like Susan Boyle.

A preacher – I wouldn’t be able to stand myself and would vomit every day until I died.

A traveler – I'd go to Scotland.

An explorer – I'd look for Atlantis.

A politician – This boggles my mind. Not possible.

A writer – you mean besides what we do, you mean get paid, get royalties, movie deals? I would write best selling mysteries and go to literary parties and be lionized and meet other greats.

A scientist – I'd be on some boat like the Calypso working with divers and discovering mysteries of the deep.

A zoologist – Trout said she would be shoveling poop. Well, I do that now. Three cats and no end. I don’t have a good picture of what a zoologist does.

A photographer – I'd be a war photographer, traveling behind enemy lines to get the pictures no one else dares take.

A detective – I’d be good at the research part. My partner would be the one dodging bullets and peeking through keyholes.

A biographer – I’d write a definitive biography of a famous historical figure and be lionized (see above about being a writer).

A gourmet cook – I'd have to spend more time in the kitchen and not quail at the thought of a recipe that takes more than 4 ingredients and more than two pans. Let’s pass on this one.

A US President – oh ha ha ha.

A representative to the United Nations – I'd get to spend all my time in New York. Oh boy. I don’t even care if I represent a third world country. Bring on Kenya, or whatever.

Well that’s the list – I have to add that I wouldn’t want to be some of these things. I used to dream of being a journalist, a detective, an actress, a concert pianist, a dancer in a ballet company, and wound up being near some of these things, on the fringes of these worlds. Tis enough, t’will suffice.

Xx, Teal