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Once In A Lifetime

Entertainment > Humor > Life Lessons
 

Life Lessons


It took me a LONG time to figure these out. (From an email)

1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be 'meetings.'

3. There is a very fine line between 'hobby' and 'mental illness.'

4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

5. You should not confuse your career with your life.

6. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

7. Never lick a steak knife.

8. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.

9. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.

10. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.

11. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.

12. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.

13. A person, who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person. (This is very important. Pay attention. It never fails.)

14. Your friends love you anyway.

15. Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.

FINAL Thought for the day: Men are like a fine wine. They start out as grapes, and it's up to women to stomp the .#@$%^. out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.



posted on Aug 20, 2008 8:32 AM ()

Comments:

They are all such sound lessons for living. Take it from an almost octogenerian..grab all the joy you can while you can and if live gives you lemon, just learn to make a heck of a lot of lemonaide.
comment by elderjane on Aug 21, 2008 11:52 AM ()
AWESOME!
comment by writerproducer on Aug 21, 2008 10:06 AM ()
Well, I just woke up in time to see the women's volleyball winners: USA!! I'm going to bed! Will see you all tomorrow!!!
comment by sunlight on Aug 21, 2008 1:01 AM ()
and the Onion!!!!!
comment by strider333 on Aug 20, 2008 9:14 PM ()
Love Number four!!
comment by redimpala on Aug 20, 2008 6:36 PM ()
#'s 5,6, & 15 are the most important here.
As for #5, I've NEVER equated who I am with what I do to make money. (I HATE the term "It's a living." It's NOT a way to live. It has nothing to do with WHO I am! It just a way to make money!) My life is MUCH MORE than that! When people ask me "What do you do?" I answer by saying things like, I love, I think, I enjoy myself, I feel deeply. I NEVER say things like "I'm a teacher, I'm an actor, or I'm a businessman."
#6? Well, if I spent my time worrying about what people thought about me, I'd never do ANYTHING! So, I do EVERYTHING, and to HELL with what they (whoever THEY are!) think about it!
And # 7 I learned from personal experience!!!
comment by hayduke on Aug 20, 2008 6:22 PM ()
#12...Most definitely!

Well except for reversing long distances I pretty much suck then…
comment by dazeymae on Aug 20, 2008 5:16 PM ()
such sage advice!
comment by thepirateinthecity on Aug 20, 2008 2:59 PM ()
These were great.When did children get to decide what's good for them(video)?The parents get to pay for the office visit.I say take it out of their allowance.Laurie
comment by dogsalot on Aug 20, 2008 2:53 PM ()
AWESome!!! Love this thanks for the laughter.
comment by panthurdreams on Aug 20, 2008 1:35 PM ()
Very accurate truisms!!
comment by looserobes on Aug 20, 2008 10:54 AM ()
These are reall OMG moments!
AJ
comment by lunarhunk on Aug 20, 2008 9:45 AM ()
no wonder my life has been so complicated!
comment by elkhound on Aug 20, 2008 9:17 AM ()

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