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As a child I would question myself quite often: If people didn't like me, would I want them to tell me or would I wish to think that they really liked me. I always came up with the same answer. I would want to know. Even as a child I didn't like myself much. I still don't. I can see why others wouldn't. It makes perfect sense to me.
This is probably one reason that I hadn't used a picture over at Blogster and cropped mine so much here. Even so, I always blog anonymously.. I don't show up on the front or in lists of those recently on. I don't want people to know. I even invented another "me" to use when I didn't want anyone to know that I was on, but still felt compelled to answer someone. The anonymous me... some of you know who it is. Most of you don't know. That's good for me.
Me... I don't know how to explain me. I am shy... You know that. I am quiet and self-conscious. I was praised only for my intelligence growing up. How good is that when you're a girl? The movies told me you had to be vivacious, popular, had a killer body... none of this is me. I was good in academics in school and hated physical education, art, music. I disliked things that would reveal anything about me. I once cried when we were introduced to water color painting because I had to paint something. I didn't wish to show that part of me. To this day, I do paint, but I paint landscapes... the very same thing over and over... sky, sea, trees, fields. Nothing else.
The music I like are high voiced male singers... yodeling, falsettos... Here is a player with the kinds of things I like. I have posted some of them before. It is revealing, but I don't know what it reveals. The theme of the song really doesn't matter to me. So the songs can be old or new. I don't know any new songs. YouTube has helped me find some that are relatively new, but not current. There are no current songs in this player.
I often do things that disturb or annoy people without realizing it. If I do that to you, I would prefer to know it. In other words, tell me... please.
It's funny that I like men more than women. I like men because I favored my father... he whom I loved with all my heart... and he left me... very early. I like women who are older. I think that perhaps they would not be so judgemental about me. They probably think the same as younger women do... that I am a complete waste of time. Yes, I know there are exceptions. There are some here who are such wonderful sweethearts. I wish I could know you in real life, but I never will. You dwell without my circle. i once saw a display of Degas figurines, all ballerinas. They were all anchored on a stand which was a circle. That circle represents life to me.
My life has always been a small circle. I wander around in this small tiny circle and rarely leave. Now, I never leave. I cannot see beyond this circle as far as I can see. One reason I blog about the things I do is because I have no life to blog about. There is not much in this tiny circle. So you shouldn't expect much. I already know you don't expect anything. Well, I'm getting my way on that one. This is the end of this post.
