So...yeah...it's amazing how one moment, one person can change your life, your beliefs, your values, with what seems like a few small words.

I say "what seems" because at the time it "seems" like a moment when things change, but looking back...no longer with blurred vision...you can see the many moments and words that lead up to feeling so small, so worthless...

Let me set the stage a bit: I failed out of my first year of college. They sent a letter home saying my grade point average was too low and if I wanted to attend a community college and bring up my grades then I could return as a probationary student. I partied a little too much as a first year college student in a whole new world. But, I thought it sounded like a reasonable plan, I was considering transferring from that college anyway.

So I spent the summer enjoying the company of old friends from home, trying to have as much fun as possible and toward the end of the summer I met a man (if you can call him that really), let's call him....oh f*** it, why protect him? His name was Roger. It turned out to be an extremely abusive relationship...much more verbal than physical, but IT SUCKED.

In the beginning, Roger was great, always a gentleman, a snazzy dresser, and we had a lot in common (or so I thought). There were many moments in Roger and my 1 year and 8 month relationship where something inside of me said "walk away" - sometimes it would whisper, and other times it would SCREAM "GET THE F*** OUT!!!" But I didn't listen...even the day he proposed to me it's still like this out of body experience; I can see him down on one knee me standing there shaking, but I can't hear anything except the voice in my head saying "say no, Say No, SAY NO!" and then my own voice saying "yes" almost in a whisper. Then I watch us drive to my house, me staring silently out the window and while telling my parents I didn't say a word.

That was 9 months into the relationship, the worst was yet to come. We ended up going to college together the following fall and at the end of two semesters we decided to "take a break" - all it took was a few hours for me alone to realize I DESERVE BETTER! (well that and some new friends who didn't constantly belittle me and made me feel important). To think, I didn't want to "take a break," but I don't regret it for one single moment.

I could go on, and tell you all the horrific experiences I remember, but I'd rather not right now...maybe I'll write a future blog about some.

I do, however, know a lot of people who wonder why people let themselves get in abusive relationships...why do they stay. To answer that, you have to experience one, and I don't wish that on anyone. Abusers are manipulative (def: skillful in influencing or CONTROLLING others to your own advantage) people - they KNOW what they are doing, they take away all your feelings of security, all your feelings of self-worth, and you are left believing they are the best you can do.

I am grateful and blessed that I had people in my life who made me feel otherwise. And I am most truly blessed, with an amazing, loving, tender husband that I now have. This is part of my many reasons I try to be nice to everyone, to make them feel valued!

I am embedding a video (I don't know if it will work...if it doesn't I will post a link) of a song/dance that touches me very deeply. In 1998, some years after my ordeal (and before the famous "wardrobe malfunction") Janet Jackson was slated to be the opening performer at the Vh-1 Fashion Awards and they wanted her to sing some pop bubbly song, but she insisted on performing "What About" because she had something to say....I thank you Ms. Jackson.