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I am having a hard time with my daughter and I don't know what to do anymore. Sometimes I feel like its all my fault because I have set no boundaries or limits. I have done this because of the rough childhood I had - I did not want my children growing up like me- but then again what parent out there doesn't want better for their children?
Growing up for me as a nightmare. I remember so much - like being in the 1st grade waking myself up in the morning getting myself ready for school and walking alone down the hill to the bus stop. I would walk home to a empty house after school and fix myself something to eat. I had many rules to follow - be in before the street lights came on - clean the house- before my parents came home. I can't remember EVER doing a thing with my mom - not even a park or swimming. I never played sports until I was old enough to ride my bike to and from the school- my mother never attended one game. As soon as the sun came up I was running out of that house - I hated listening to the fighting and my mom being hurt. If I stayed around which I sometimes I did I would get caught in the middle! I was a abused child and I swore the minute my son was born things were going to be different! Nobody was ever going to hurt my son - I wouldn't sit back and watch helplessly like my mother did. I left home at thirteen and never looked back!
Now my son is 12 and daughter 6- I have done everything my mother didn't - or just couldn't do! I am the one who goes without - NOT my children. I will go negitive in my bank account to get them what they want. They both play sports - and I am right there in the stands cheering my lungs out! I try not to say no! My children don't play outside without me - standing there and watching over them- they don't leave my sight - for the fear in me that someone might hurt them. I do everything for them and now they are helpless!
I have made my children not responsible for anything- the simple things like making their beds or getting their own drinks - I do it all. I thought I was doing what a "mother" was supposed to do. Now I am not so sure- I only wanted to let them be kids and not make them grow up. I also understand I have severe "OCD" and its hard not following them around and cleaning up after them.
I never knew what love was or felt like until 7/14/95 @2:23pm - my sons birth and it doubled on 5/8/01 @ 3:22am my daughters birth. Those two moments are forever engraved in my heart. Am I doing them wrong - am I enabling them to grow up and not be responsible? Have I been wrong all these years?
My children are both handsome/beautiful- smart - kind - caring individuals. But when it comes to me they are fresh and walk all over me. They are demanding to the point of me almost breaking down in tears because I am always running for them. Are they too young to understand what they are doing- or should they already know by now. My daughter went to a friends house today and when the mother dropped her off and came in for a little "adult conversation" I could feel her eyes on me. She was here for about twenty minutes before she finally said" wow she is much different at our house". Don't most kids act different at other people's house's? I am proud that she uses her manners and is kind - but I am so embarrassed about what her friends mother saw! My child just acting like a spoiled girl - and it hit me - she always acts this way at home. She has been getting worse over the last months and I can't figure out why- I have done nothing different than I usually do. After they left I closed my eyes - what did I do so wrong? My children are going to get older - and worse- I never have set boundaries - I have never punished them - there is no consequences for wrong doings. Did I just go to far - I just wanted them to "live". I thought I was being a "real" mom - like I only dreamed about in my childhood. Now I have to really sit back and look at what I have done - and figure out a way to fix this. My children are young enough to adjust but am I too old to change?
