It hit around 9:30 last night... the butterflies came roaring in at full force. This morning I almost feel nauseous as these intoxicated little creatures slam against the inside of my stomach as though they are trying to escape. Meanwhile others dance around my head, obstructing my focus from the stuff I really should be doing here at work. I gently swat at them, and ask that they please go away... but they are persistent little buggers, and likely won't disappear until later this afternoon. *sigh*

I'm doing my best not to let their furious fluttering sweep me off my feet. I'm doing my best to stay completely grounded. I'm doing my best not to think about what will happen at lunch... except that I have no idea what I'm going to order, because I have absolutely no appetite whatsoever.

I really want to be prepared for the worst case scenario -- the very realistic possibility that we will not get any development funding -- and even though I know I'd be perfectly fine with that outcome, I still can't shake the best case scenario(s) out of my mind. The good vibes are so much stronger and I can visualize the positive prospects far more clearly. Even when I try to imagine returning to my desk after hearing some unfortunate news, I can't hold the vision for more than a fleeting moment. The thought quickly slips away, as though it is being carried off on the back of one of those lil' butterflies. Instead my mind is dizzied by a looped audio-track that rolls through my thoughts, "What if we get the funding...? What if we get the funding...?"

How will our lives change?

Sheesh... that question in itself makes me feel totally lightheaded -- which leaves me wondering if we are really ready for the change if all the pieces do fall into place.

Quite honestly, I really am fine either way. I mean, obviously we do want the funding badly, and I certainly don't look forward to consoling a completely crushed J if we don't get it. Poor guy has such thin skin and always takes everything to heart. But I do believe that whatever happens, will happen for a reason -- it always does, even if it takes us a couple months to discover what that reason was. We are blessed in so many other ways, I really don't expect *everything* in life to always be comin' up Milhouse. But it sure would be nice if it did. ;o)

Sigh. Damn these butterflies...