I hope you haven’t taken my absence personally.

I’ve just been really, really busy. So busy that when I actually do have five minutes of down time, I tend to collapse onto the couch, usually unable to stop the flow of rapid fire thoughts zooming through my brain, a constant to-do list forming in my head only to be re-written a day or two later as items get mentally checked off in sequence.

The last time I sat in front of a computer was last Friday night at my Mom’s. I wrote to my very wonderful, always inspiring friend, Melodie after reading one of her treasured e-mails on facebook. I believe my last words to her were, “I’ll come back to this.”

That seems like a really, really long time ago.

So does my e-mail thread with my distance sister, Amy.

Like I said, I’ve been really busy.

So maybe I’ll turn this post into another list. A list to accompany the never-ending to-do list that rolls through my brain most of the time.

Okay…here goes…Ten Pieces Of Randomness

1. Did anyone watch Criminal Minds last night? About the girl and her dolls? It was so creepy it gave me nightmares and I felt compelled to add it to this list. I watched a few episodes of Weeds afterwards just to get the creepiness out of my brain. It didn’t really work. And let me tell you…it’s really hard to look cool when you’re jumping at every sound, convinced that it’s some crazy lady who has come to kidnap you and drug you so that you’re immobile and turn you into one of her dolls. And why did I feel the need to look cool while watching Criminal Minds, you ask?
2. I’m seeing someone. Hold the applause…it’s not going all that well. I think that’s the trouble when two people with children and a whole lot of “ex baggage” try to form something more than a friendship….there is no such thing as a fresh start. And there’s really never a date…what would we do with our children? Anyway, this means that we spend little bits of time together doing nothing special…like watching Criminal Minds and Weeds. We both have a LOT of hurts leftover from our previous relationships and issues that we need to get over before anything tangible could form. However, it’s nice to have company every now and then. And it’s nice to have a reason to wear a bra under my pajamas and spritz perfume on my neck and hair. And we do have a lot in common, he and I, including the same fucked up sense of humour. And we have a very, very intense physical attraction to one another. Hm. Funny that baggage can still outweigh all of that nice stuff, eh?
3. The seeing someone is not the only reason why I’ve been so busy. In fact, he’s pretty low on the busy totem pole. I have less than two months until Julian’s appointment at the CDC in Kingston and a whole lot of stuff to get organized and finished before he goes. Reports and assessments to be faxed. Thoughts and observations and forms to be compiled, typed, printed and faxed. Accommodations to be made (Kingston is over three hours away and the appointment will take at least two hours which might be too much for one day). Add to that some extra doctor’s appointments for the little guy, including some blood work yesterday and it’s been a whirlwind of Julian. But while I feel very, very busy with all of it, I don’t necessarily feel stressed out about it. I actually feel pretty good…like pieces of a puzzle are falling into place, slowly but surely and…dare I say it? Even think it?…there might be a light at the end of this very long tunnel.
4. And Christmas. Can’t forget about Christmas. One month today. I know that it might seem early-ish, especially since Thanksgiving happens so late for Americans (wait…isn’t that today? I think it might be. Happy Thanksgiving America) but like I think I blogged before, I don’t have much time what with the weather and my very cranky car not to mention the single mother of three thing I’ve got going on. I did manage to get a good chunk of it done last weekend (and no, I did NOT sleep well at ALL at my parents! And yes, we were on the road before eight in the morning…) but there are still some loose ends to be tied up and little things that need to be purchased. And then I need to start my Christmas shopping and creating for the few people on my list who are not my children. And it’s now actually impossible to take Julian just about anywhere retail since the explosion of decorations has happened.
5. And speaking of Julian….we’ve had a heavier than normal dose of the outside world in the last week and it has served as a reminder that he was not built for this world of ours. I wanted to take out roughly five people just yesterday when I took him to have some blood drawn. It frustrates me because I still haven’t figured out how to handle some of the reactions he gets (and I get, I guess, by extension) not to mention the complete and total lack of compassion or effort to understand by some of the medical community. This is why I feel like punching people on trips like yesterday’s.
6. I had a very, very vivid Michael Jackson dream last night. Just typing that sentence gave me shivers all over again. I was waiting for him along with a bunch of friends that I don’t actually have in real life. He was going to perform something. We were all pretty worked up about it. There was a whole series of dream events leading up to the waiting…like I said, it was a very vivid and elaborate dream…which added to the anticipation and excitement. He was just about to come out and I was thinking, “I can’t believe Michael is really here” when it hit me all over again….he’s dead. I’m always having dreams like that. When I woke up, I laid in bed for a few minutes and felt like crying. I miss Michael. A lot. Maybe I was thinking of him because of that song that was released with him and some guy whose name sounds like a nut. I haven’t heard it, yet because I don’t listen to popular music much and never listen to the radio but I’ve heard lots about it. Or maybe I was thinking of him because of that NKOTBSB tour that’s happening this summer. I watched them with the “someone” on the American Music Awards and I commented to someone that I hated awards shows now because I know that MJ is never again going to make a surprise appearance. Shit, I miss him….
7. My own physical self has been less than stellar lately. The surgery I had over the summer obviously did not correct everything it was supposed to and I’ve been bleeding non-stop for about three weeks. The pain had lessened substantially for a while, but it’s back with a vengeance. I need to see my gyno doc for that. But I keep putting it off because I already know that my iron is low and I am not eating a cow no matter what. So there. And I’m not open to any of his suggestions. I know already that I do not want more surgery and am not going to take hormones. I’m also supposed to see my GP. I promised the ER doc I saw after my last round of ear infections and Meniere’s outbreak. I’m supposed to see him to book a CT Scan to rule out a brain tumour. Don’t bother lecturing me. I know it needs to be done. I’m just not in a position to put myself first, if you know what I mean.
8. Julian told me that he loves me the other day. That is a first. Usually when I say, “I love you, Julian” he mumbles, “thanks” as a response. I know, for a fact, that his impromptu expression of affection was echolalia used rather effectively but I’m not sure what movie he picked it up from. But I know it wasn’t an original sentiment based on the way he said and his body language while he delivered the sentence. But I’ll take it…
9. I have the worst hair ever. Honestly. It’s terrible. I need to get my Mom to perm it for me during my next alone weekend so that I can stop having to wear bandanas and scarves around my head and can stop always pulling it into pig tails. The other day, Erica told me that I looked like a little girl in grown up clothing. Yeah. That’s not good…
10. I pulled a Rune today. I do that every now and then. Pull a Rune or two and rarely, a whole spread, to give me some insight. So rather than babble further, I’ll just use number ten on this list as a spot to share what Ansuz had to say:

“The keynote here is receiving: messages, signals, gifts. Even a timely warning may be seen as a gift. The message may be that of a new life unfolding. New lives begin with new connections, surprising linkages that direct you onto new pathways. Take care now to be especially aware during meetings, visits, chance encounters, particularly with persons wiser than yourself. When the Messenger Rune brings sacred knowledge, you are truly blessed.

Loki is the ancient trickster from the pantheon of the Norse gods. He is the heyeohkah of the Native Americans, a mocking shadow of the creator god, as well as the bringer of benefits to humankind. He is a reminder that even scoundrels and arch-thieves can be the bearers of wisdom. When you draw this Rune, expect the unexpected: The message is always a call, a call to new life.

Ansuz is the first of the thirteen Runes that make up the Cycle of Initiation—Runes that focus directly upon the mechanism of self-change—and as such, addresses our need to integrate unconscious motive with conscious intent.

Drawing Ansuz tells you that connection with the Divine is at hand. It is a signal to explore the depths, the foundations of life, and to experience the inexhaustible wellspring of the Divine in your nature.

At the same time, you are reminded that you must first draw from the well to nourish and give to yourself. Then there will be more than enough to nourish others. A new sense of family solidarity invests this Rune.”

Hmmm…food for thought, eh?

Happy Everything, all….and I’ll be back soon….that’s a promise. Not a threat. Ha