Janet

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juliansmom
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Janet
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Julian's Mom

Life & Events > Hold My Hand
 

Hold My Hand

I don’t have anything substantial or significant to write about this morning. Just a whole lot of little nothings. But as Laura troutbend said in a recent post, it’s wonderful to have this spot to share the little thoughts that don’t have a spot to settle anywhere else. I paraphrase, of course.

Our local music store is closing. I guess they can’t keep up anymore, what with everyone downloading their music instead of buying it on CD. I popped in earlier this week, the “70% off all t-shirts and hoodies” sign catching my eye. It was in this store that I finally heard the new Michael Jackson song. It’s called “Hold My Hand” (hence the title of this post) and it’s with some guy named Akon. I had been calling him “Acorn” since Akon seemed like a pretty stupid name. I was chatting with one of the young girls who will be out of a job by January when the song came on over the PA. She kindly offered to turn it up for me since I hadn’t heard it up until that point.

I cried.

It was great.

I sure do miss Michael.

I met him around this time three years ago. Wow. Three years.

I sure do miss him.

Oh wait. I already said that.

But I still miss him.

Today is the last day of school before two weeks of holidays. I’m not looking forward to it. And I hate that I’m not looking forward to it but my children have been driving me absolutely fucking nuts lately. The girls, mostly, with their constant fighting. I know I fought with my sister, back in the day, but at least we had the space and privacy of a basement playroom in which to kick one another’s ass. At least my parents didn’t have to listen to our knock down, drag out fights in the next room. Boy, my sister used to kick the shit out of me. You’d think it would have been the other way around, since I’m the oldest, but it didn’t take her long to grow bigger than me (have I ever mentioned that I’m pretty short?) and then it was payback for all of the times I hit her over the head with a wooden box (I stopped when my Dad told me I would make my sister mentally retarded. Then I checked her every day for a while for signs of the inevitable mental retardation) or pinched her nipple (I stopped doing that when my Dad told me I would pinch it off) or told her that the little people who lived under her bed would come out in the night and get her.

It was all downhill from there.

There is a pretty big physical difference between my two girls even though they’re only two years apart. Erica is due for a growth spurt of some kind. She’s pretty little. And Olivia has had a few growth spurts all in rapid fire close proximity so she’s way bigger than Erica. Of course, Erica can hold her own. She’s scrappy. And she’ll take you down with her little body if she’s provoked.

ANYWAY! The point is that I’m tired of listening to them fight all day, every day and now that they’ll be home for two weeks, it’s bound to be my Christmas soundtrack.

I have a few tricks up my sleeve that will hopefully break at least the first week of holidays up for all of us. I have some craft supplies and a gift that I want the kids to make for my parents and I’m thinking maybe a little bit of baking will give them something new to fight about (don’t believe me? Five words…. “who. will. crack. the. egg?”). We also have a doctor’s appointment for Julian next Tuesday and Troy will off of work so hopefully he’ll also give them something new to fight about. Fingers crossed!

I’m not feeling well. Not at all.

I’m really tired of shovelling. I had to do it again this morning. We just got enough of a dusting last night to make a crunchy bottom of the driveway. I’ve given up on shovelling around the Dog forsaken mailbox. It’s not like the mail lady will bring me anything but bills, anyway, so fuck it.

Julian is really mixed up. He seems to think we’ll be going trick or treating sometime soon. * sigh * He’s been “talking” to himself (this means he repeats the same sentence over and over again, sometimes while spinning) about telling people who scare you, “excuse me”.

But thinking of Julian reminds me of some good news in the midst of what is turning out to be a very negative post.

I found a temporary respite care worker. She will be coming sometime in the next week or so to begin her preliminary training. She is someone that Julian already knows, which is why she is temporary. I’m hoping to gradually introduce him to the idea with someone he’s already familiar with before I hire a stranger to come in and really work with him. I’ll stay for the first few sessions with Nicole and then, hopefully, be able to leave him with her by the new year. I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t a bit nervous about the whole thing. Not because I don’t trust her, or anyone else, to care for Julian. I know Nicole well and she has looked after my girls many times and she’s great. She really missed her calling as an ECE, I think. No, I’m nervous because this is going to be a disruption for Julian and any little disruption in his day means disruption for the rest of us.

I know this because we tried something similar last year and it was Hell. Pure and total Hell. I stuck with it because everyone of Julian’s workers told me it would get better. It didn’t. So this is why I’m trying someone who knows Julian first and why I’m going so slowly and why I’m so nervous. Yes, I might get a break once a week but it’s debatable whether or not that break will be worth it when Julian loses his shit for the rest of that week and I get even less sleep than I do now.

On a completely unrelated note…

It’s strange the things that we remember, isn’t it?

Or rather, it’s strange the things that can trigger an emotional memory.

Last night, after a hot bath, I curled up onto the couch to watch a re-run of King Of Queens. I’m not sure why, but I love that show. I don’t know how long it’s been off the air but every night at ten thirty, a crummy channel airs it.

It was the crummy channel that triggered the emotional memory.

It’s called “Omni 1” and it mostly plays really old episodes of sitcoms. Ancient re-runs of the Simpsons. That Two and a Half Men show with the dude that played Duckie in Pretty In Pink (complete non-sequitor….I always wanted a Duckie. I loved eighties movies when I was a teenager and I loved Molly Ringwald and Pretty In Pink. My only complaint about that movie was that she did not, in fact, end up with Duckie, whom I adored) and stuff like King Of Queens.

The rest of the time, Omni 1 plays a lot of shows that aren’t in English. Like the news in Cantonese and soap operas in Italian and variety shows in Arabic.

The network used to be called “CFMT” which stood for “Canada’s First Multicultural Television” which explains all of the international programs.

It was their theme music that triggered my brain to remember my first Christmas married to Troy. We lived in a big basement apartment. I loved that apartment. We had used furniture, including a pretty kick ass couch that we both regret not taking with us when we moved on up in the world. We were a little nation of two, with Troy working at a gas station and we working in a restaurant. We had very little but it never really seemed to matter because we were together and we were happy.

I remember coming home from work many nights (and for some reason, most of these memories are coated in a white, winter feel) after an hour long bus ride and collapsing onto the couch and watching Seinfeld and Frasier on CFMT with homemade hot chocolate and my husband.

That first Christmas, we had very little money and most of the gifts we gave each other came from the fifty percent off sale at Value Village. I remember he bought me a pair of cords (they were popular with alternative kids back in those days) and I couldn’t fit into them and my how my heart broke because I couldn’t wear them but I was so touched by the fact that he had picked them out for me. They were blue. I kept them for a long time but I don’t think I ever managed to wear them.

That was the Christmas that we walked down to the corner gas station…the only thing open on Christmas day in our neck of the woods…and bought sandwiches for dinner. Shitty convenience store sandwiches that were somehow tasty because of the day and our marriage and our love.

The music from Omni 1 got me remembering. So much so that I went into my basement and dug out some old photos from that year and that Christmas. I looked through them and remarked on how young we were.

And how happy.

And I couldn’t help but wonder how we went from those two kids to the people we are today.

Life is funny like that, no?

I can remember, so vividly, being the girl in those pictures. What it felt like to be me… what it felt like to be us… what that apartment smelled like and what our upstairs neighbours looked like and sounded like through the ceiling that was their floor. I can remember exactly what the restaurant I worked in looked like and smelled like and I can recall the names of every person I worked with there.

I remember what the inside of the gas station Troy worked at looked like. His boss was named Cecil. I remember sitting inside of it, drinking bad coffee, before climbing onto the bus to take me home. We used to do that, Troy and I. Meet each other at either the gas station or the restaurant to say good bye if our shifts weren’t coinciding.

I remember holding hands in the bitter cold, walking from the bus stop to work in the pitch black of morning so early it could still be considered night. I can remember the way his hand felt gripping my own. The way they were always black from his job. The way he would stroke my fingers with his thumb. The way his grip stopped me from falling on the sidewalk when it was icy.

Those times I can remember with something as simple as the metallic sounding theme music to a crummy television network.

It’s the years in between that seem like a dream.

Those I can’t quite recall with the same accuracy.

The years that have turned me into a sometimes bitter and jaded single mother.

The years that have turned him into the type of man who will date someone so much younger than himself, as if to try and recapture his youth and who will cheat on that girl without so much as a blink of the eye.

I look at myself now and wonder how I got from there to here.

I look at him and wonder the same thing.

But most of all, I wonder where we’re going.

posted on Dec 17, 2010 7:32 AM ()

Comments:

What's the matter--cat got your tongue? No posts! Return to us, Janet K!!
comment by solitaire on Jan 3, 2011 6:34 AM ()
Happy New Year Janet

comment by febreze on Jan 1, 2011 4:51 PM ()
Hope you and the family had a fantastic time
comment by febreze on Dec 26, 2010 5:04 PM ()
*taking a long hard pull on my cigarette, exhaling, and sitting here while the words come*
When it started, I was like, "Cool. Just a babble post." I dig your babble posts because you have such a beautiful way with phrases. I soooooo got your bit about the girls fighting. Janet, today was the second day of our break and I swear I wanted to be anywhere but here. OMG. I don't get how they can wake up fighting.
Then I got to "Wait. I know all I know about you and didn't know that you had met Michael Jackson?!?!?!?" (Really. I expect the story.)
Then I automatically went into ping-pong thoughts about the respite care gig. Yes, it is supposed to be for the good. Yes, it will one day be for the good. Yes, I know it can throw everyone's life into a tail spin, but jut your chin out and make everyone try. I'm thinking it will take a while for it to click. But I agree that it has to be done.
And then...
I allowed myself to be fed with your memories. Wow. I hate to admit it, but it was one of those things that I wish I could have written. You have such a gift.
And then I just sat here, allowing your memories to morph themselves into mine. I sighed. I teared up. And I wanted nothing but to jab you with my elbow and say, "I love ya, sista."
comment by walkwithgrace on Dec 23, 2010 9:57 PM ()
It's not much of a story. I peed my pants, though! Literally. Peed. In my pants.And by the way, you were completely right...there is NO mistaking his voice on that track.

I'm pretty sure that my girls are just waiting to see what they get for Christmas before they actually kill one another.I'm not sure who is going down...it depends on the day...but by the new year, I'm sure I'll be down to two kids, the way things are going.We went for a walk tonight (a family tradition with my parents) and they fought over who was walking the right way. Ugh.

And I you, too, distance sister of mine.
reply by juliansmom on Dec 24, 2010 6:53 PM ()
Hang in there!! There's a new year coming and we hope things will be better for you. Love you, Nena
comment by nenah on Dec 23, 2010 7:55 AM ()
Thank you, Nena.It is usually when things are tricky that something great is just around the corner. At least, that's what I tell myself.
reply by juliansmom on Dec 24, 2010 6:54 PM ()
yea we do kinda rock, huh!
comment by firststarisee on Dec 22, 2010 7:41 PM ()
ugggg!!! I had so much I wanted to say to you about this post...then your memories just tugged my heart strings big time...and I can't even make a comprehensible comment I sooo feel this story....how did we get here? Are we where we're supposed to be? I suppose we need to have faith that we are Luv ya girl
comment by firststarisee on Dec 22, 2010 7:59 AM ()
I luv you, too.And you know...I think we do have faith. I mean, look at all of the stuff we manage to pull out from god knows where whenever we feel we're at rock bottom. We sorta rock, girl.
reply by juliansmom on Dec 22, 2010 4:04 PM ()
I have no idea why I said that. Just checking on whether you're paying attention! I obviously wasn't!
comment by solitaire on Dec 21, 2010 6:45 AM ()
What? Did you fall asleep half way through?Maybe I'm even longer winded than I thought....

You know what? The comment probably made a lot of sense when you wrote it and I took my sweet a** time getting back to reply to it. I thought, perhaps, I wasn't supposed to force Troy into something.
reply by juliansmom on Dec 22, 2010 4:02 PM ()
Don't force things. And, again, hang in there.
comment by solitaire on Dec 20, 2010 6:26 AM ()
Wait...I'm confused.What am I not supposed to force?
reply by juliansmom on Dec 20, 2010 1:18 PM ()
Hopefully things will get better.
comment by crazylife on Dec 19, 2010 8:20 PM ()
Every day in every way...
reply by juliansmom on Dec 20, 2010 1:18 PM ()
I have always known where I wanted to go; but people kept interfering to keep me from getting there. I haven't given up though. I'm still trying to get there.
comment by redimpala on Dec 18, 2010 7:05 PM ()
Ain't it the truth.Kudos to you for not giving up...I'm not a quitter, either. All in due time (and after a lot of hard work).
reply by juliansmom on Dec 20, 2010 1:17 PM ()
My mum used to tell me that 'everything' happens for a reason . . . at the time I thought she was talking out of her little finger, however in the years which have zoomed by, I have found that she 'had' been correct. You may find that right now, you are still in 'that period' of adjustment. Hang on in there -
comment by augusta on Dec 18, 2010 1:41 PM ()
I do believe that everything happens for a reason...which is sometimes what drives me nuts! All of that figuring out what the reason is!
reply by juliansmom on Dec 18, 2010 5:09 PM ()
Yeah, we'll never know where we're going.
I still think it's just wonderful that he's finally understanding Julian better though. Ah, sibling rivalry! Isn't that part of the fun of growing up? hehehe
I think a lot about the past and relationships I had and how spontaneous everything felt and I miss it... but I am fine where I am now as well so - I guess we'll see what's next!
comment by kristilyn3 on Dec 17, 2010 1:15 PM ()
All of what you said rings very true.Excellent perspective.
reply by juliansmom on Dec 18, 2010 1:16 PM ()
Take a deep breath and relax--I spoke personally to Santa last night and he is gong to pay you a special visit!!
comment by greatmartin on Dec 17, 2010 8:31 AM ()
Oooh....can't hardly wait.
reply by juliansmom on Dec 17, 2010 9:15 AM ()
My sister and I fought like that too (she was older) and the day I finally kicked her ass was the last fight we got into!
And I think we all change from who we used to be.
comment by meranda on Dec 17, 2010 7:57 AM ()
My sister and I don't fight anymore. I haven't spoken to her in, let's see....a little over two years. It was her choice and a very long story.
reply by juliansmom on Dec 17, 2010 9:14 AM ()
Hopefully you are going to a better place and so is Troy. You just need
some time to yourself, some excellent respite care and to trust the future.
You are a strong woman but you need someone in your life who can make
you happy.
comment by elderjane on Dec 17, 2010 7:45 AM ()
Thanks, Jeri.

I was thinking of the respite care starting this morning when I attempted to leave the house with Julian to pick up some necessities. Needless to say, we're still here.
reply by juliansmom on Dec 17, 2010 9:16 AM ()

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