Dunnigan the Dummie walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter, and sees it's filled to the brim with $10 bills. He guesses there must be thousands of dollars in it.

He approaches the bartender and asks. 'What's up with the jar?'

'Well, you pay $10 and if you pass three tests, you get all the money.'

Dunnigan certainly isn't going to pass this up. 'What are the three tests?'

'Pay first, those are the rules.' says the bartender. So the man gives him the $10 and the bartender drops it into the jar.

'OK,' the bartender says. 'Here's what you need to do ......

First, you have to drink that entire gallon of pepper tequila, the whole thing, all at once ... and you can't make a face while doing it.

Second, there's a pit bull chained-up out back with a sore tooth. You have to remove the tooth with your bare hands.

Third, there's a 90-year old woman upstairs who has never reached orgasm during intercourse. You've gotta make things right for her.'

Dunnigan is stunned. 'I know I paid my $10, but I'm not an idiot! I won't do it! You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of pepper tequila, and then do those other things.'

'Your call,' says the bartender, 'but your money stays where it is.'

As time goes on and Dunnigan has a few drinks, then a few more, he asks, 'Where's zat tequila?'

He grabs the gallon with both hands and downs it with big slurps. Tears streaming down both cheeks, but he doesn't make a face.

Next, he staggers out back where the pit bull is chained-up and soon the people inside the bar hear a huge, noisy scuffle going on outside.

They hear the pit bull barking, the guy screaming, the pit bull yelping and then silence.

Just when they think Dunnigan surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar, with his shirt ripped and large bloody scratches all over his body.

'Now,' he says. 'Where's the old woman with the sore tooth?'
................

AND SOME RELATIVELY UNKNOWN IRISH TOASTS...

May those who love us, love us
And those who don't love us,
May God turn their hearts
And if he can't turn their hearts,
May he make anvils fall from the sky,
to land on their heads with hilarious pranging sounds.

May the road rise to meet you,
just like it always does,
when you get so drunk,
you pass out in the street.

May the leprechauns be near you,
To spread luck along your way.
And may all of the medications
Take the awful hallucinations of tiny screeching people away.

Ireland It's the one place on earth
That Heaven has kissed
With melody, mirth
And meadow and mist
And decades of religious-based warfare

These things, I warmly wish for you-
Someone to love,
A bit o' sun
A bit o' cheer
A book of gift certificates to Hardee's
And a guardian angel
Always near.

On this day St. Patrick,
Surrounded by friends and more
Take that guy wearing a "Kiss Me, I'm Irish" pin
And throw him the hell out the door.

Down at the pub,
Reveling all night
Pray they don't run dry of Guinness
And substitute Amstel Light

May all your sorrows be like a Shamrock Shake,
available for a limited time only.
Also, may they be a minty green in color,
putrid to the taste, and contain sodium benzoate as a preservative.

Bless Bono's round, shiny glasses,
for they are round, and they are shiny,
and he is Irish.

May your schizophrenia always be blamed on colorful drunkenness.