I Really dont know what is allowed here or not, so in saying that I shall warn that this post may be too much information for some (more for the men I'd say)

This is a true story that happened few moons ago.

Of my test.....

Pap test.

My First one.

*everyone shudders, men flee*

It was long over due I've been avoiding my pap test with such vigor that one would think that the boogie man himself was out on the loose.
I avoid it because my friends, filled me in on the "how" and "what" of it. They have hearts of gold they do, to be so
kind and to inform of such lovely details. One friend describe it as such " My doctor who was male, before he inserted the metal thing (I dont know the damn name for the friggin apparatus)said quote here comes the pressure"

My avoiding skills would make any procrastinator proud.
When I went to the doctor, to get a refill on a prescription. She says casually as if we were discussing weather "You should get a pap test, lets arrange a date for it". My heart stopped. She must of knew I was avoiding!

We arrange a date, which only made it worse. The build up of waiting for the horrible event was killing me.

The P day arrives. I put on my cowboy boots on. I needed something to make me feel somewhat confident.

The doctor motioned me to the little room. she told me to take my pants off and underwear and to get on the table (HA! A table... really? Because all tables I seen so far have no little swinging leg rests up in the air) and then to put the sheet over myself and to let her know I was ready.

How can you be ready? I considered the possibly of just not letting her in. Ever.

I told myself I was being silly. No simpson is afraid of some doctor. Just a little test I told myself.

So I stripped off and left my pants and undies in a sad heap on the floor. Things were starting to not look good.

I got up on the "table" and entertained myself with the thought to barricade my part from her with the huge blue "blanket" (more like packing paper dyed blue). Yeah that would look good alright, me wrapped up ten billion times, looking like a blueberry sitting on the stupid table. Grand Idea sarah.

I told her in my meek voice that I was ready.

The only thought in my head was Shit I forgot to shave. Not just my legs either. Just dandy.

She peers at me and tells me to put my feet on the damn silly foot things. No way sister Am I putting my feet on that so I am in some strange position.

but I did. And I was starting to hyperventilate on the inside. While I sit there or half lie there, my feet in socks with big googly eyed frogs stare back at me. She peers over my legs at me.

Never a reassuring sight. She snaps her gloves on.

And steps closer.

She tells me to relax. Riiiight. Because having a metal thing shoved up me is a relaxing hobby of mine.

She gets ready to put the damn thing in me, but first she had to pry my legs apart. I thought for a moment there that her muscles were actually straining to get my legs apart.
Once again she tells me to relax. Once more I consider the thought of creating a protective bubble of crappy blue blanket around my part.

And out of nowhere. WHAM.

Like a freaking ninja.

No warning.

Just jammed that god awful metal thing in me.

I actually physically jumped.

She asks me "are you okay" Well lets see... you are violating me with a metal thing and scraping my friggin insides with what feels like a sharp rusty spoon... HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL ???

Now I don't know if Jumped from her mad ninja skills or her lack of guidance of what she will be doing, or my sheer innocence and obliviousness to the what the test actually consists of.

During the whole thing she talked to me, as if she knew my whole life story. Hows school, hows things with the boyfriend, and finally the weather. Great just grand, while your rooting around in my friggin part the thing I want to talk about most be the weather.

She finally finished. I thought I was home free.
Nope I had to sit there propped up like some birthing position almost and endure more.

Apparently scrapping around was not enough. Oh no. She had to poke around with her own fingers. Again she did not inform me of such. Most awkward situation.

Ever.

Ever.


Her *Poke* *Rummage* *more random pressing of stomach and poking*

Me *in awkward silence looking at my stupid socks with the gay little happy frogs smiling at me*

Her" Well if there is anything wrong we will call you"

And she leaves.

It was like a one night stand, but minus all the great sex. Just pure violation.

I put on my clothes and try to strut out that little room with the most dignified look.

I did not succeed. I look like a little lost sheep who got kicked. And Kicked Hard.