Its difficult to write a post I plan to write right now. Difficult because it might tell more then I really want. I just will give it a try.
A lot is going on in my head last days, but I was wondering if its good to talk about it here? Writing down things can help, I only can hope that things are read in the right way, cause I only have good intentions with it. I only wrote about my deepest personal feelings a few times here, but when I did that it felt good. I have read deep personal thoughts from others here as well. Its the anonymity of internet that makes it possible. Some issues need to be handled or spoken with a lot of care cause I don't want to hurt anyone at all.
As I told earlier I started chatting with a young guy about 10 days ago. Why I (or did he?) started that chat I don't know, it just was a good conversation which made me feel comfortable. Our talks became more open to each other and we seemed to have a lot in common. I assume that is what made it "click" between us. He knows I care about him, I wanted to give him advice on certain subjects and I tried to be a listening ear. Since the weekend however I noticed he kept my head busy more and more. Because I want to be honest with him I told him that last night. There is a kind of crush I never had before with a person I never met in real life. That also scares me a bit. I know age-difference isn't a problem for him but for myself it feels difficult. I even felt myself as "not normal" to have feelings for someone so much younger. On the other side I cant hide those feelings they just are there. There isn't a button I can switch which make those feelings disappear. Be sure I can manage my feelings but never thought these feelings were possible. He knows about it cause I talked it over with him, as I said I want to be honest. Point now is his feelings are the same. On one side that makes me feel honored a bit but on the other side it makes me feel "guilty" . How is it possible I ask myself. It will make life so difficult for him. True, it feels good when someone is attracted to you. On the other side we both know a real relationship isn't possible.
When I arrived at work today I checked mybloggers the way I use to do. He made a new post in which he actually says the same. That is something what made me feel guilty as well. Its hard to know someone has very mixed feelings caused by me. It is something that even hurts a bit. Sorry B for that, but as we said before, feelings perhaps are the most difficult things in life.
I can imagine a lot of people will disapprove my behaving, sorry for that. Feelings are difficult to deal with sometimes, they just are there, weather you like it or not. Feel free to react.
I wrote this post an hour ago and saved it on my pc for a while not sure weather I will post it or not. Reading it all over I only can honest towards myself so... posted it.