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I consider myself to be a fairly reasonable and tolerant man. I truly do. However, like any reasonable and tolerant individual, there are a number of things that, when I experience them, have a tendency to drive me right over the edge.
I’m not alone with this, am I?
I mean, seriously, when you’re sitting in movie theater, and there is a little cretin sitting directly behind you who insists upon snapping his gum every fifteen seconds, don’t you have to muster all of your willpower in order to stop yourself from turning around, ripping his tonsils out of his empty little head, and tying them around his neck like a bow tie?
No?
Oh! Uh…me neither.
Anyway, I’ve put together another batch of my pet peeves. Some are grand, and some are minute. All of them have a tendency to drive me up a wall.
Here they are:
1. My mother.
2. Books like “Moby Dickâ€, which, as an old English and literature educator, I’m supposed to revere. In actuality, a good many of “the classics†bore me to tears.
3. People who think I’m pretentious because I happen to love Shakespeare. Go to hell.
4. Political Correctness, which, to my way of thinking, is just another insidious form of censorship where a small minority attempts to push their morality and biases onto the masses. They want to rewrite history and pretend certain feelings don’t exist. Sounds pretty similar to what took place in the old Soviet Union. Ever read Brave New World, or George Orwell’s 1984? Both of these books deal with societies that are based on the same premises as the modern-day political correctness movement. Do you realize that there are idiots out there who are trying to outlaw the traditional depiction of Santa Claus as a plump, jolly, old elf? They claim that Saint Nick is a bad role model for young people because of his weight and his penchant for milk and cookies. THESE PEOPLE ARE SERIOUS!!!!! Also, there are groups out there that are trying to stop Kris Kringle from saying “Ho! Ho! Ho!†because it might be offensive to black women!!!! I’M NOT KIDDING!!!!!!!! (How come when Eddie Murphy says it, he’s being absolutely hilarious, but when Don Imus says it, he’s being a racist and loses his job? Maybe C. Vivian Stringer and the Rutgers Women’s Basketball Team can explain that difference to this stupid, middle-aged, insensitive, white male.) Big Brother is definitely watching, and he’s a freaking idiot!!!!
20. Censorship…of any kind. Do you realize that what many scholars consider to be the greatest American novel ever written, Huckleberry Finn, is banished from a large number of U.S. school curriculums, and, in others, the book may be taught as long as classes in racial sensitivity training are taught along with it? Ever read that freaking book? It’s a masterpiece! And Jim, the black slave in it, is a hero! As for him being called a nigger, well, people did that back then! You cannot rewrite history! One of the reasons that Samuel Clemens, a.k.a., Mark Twain, wrote the book was to shine a stark and glaring light on racial bigotry and expose it to the world! (Don’t these politically correct idiots of today, who are just looking for things over which to get upset, realize these things, or do they just not give a damn?) I guess these same societal watchdogs would also have us stop talking about The Holocaust because Jews were treated as sub-humans and were put to death just for being Jews, huh? Also, mentioning The Holocaust it may be a little upsetting to sensitive folks of German descent because their ancestors are not exactly depicted in the most favorable light. What the hell is the matter with you people???!!!!
5. Lawyers. (Except for my friend Steeve, who seems to actually have a very good brain and an active conscience.) I hate seeing commercials for law offices on television where these Shylocks, including Robert Vaughn, play on our greed and our fantasies for quick and easy money. Some old lady sued McDonald’s and won a settlement of eight million dollars because her coffee was hot??!! Can you believe that? You’re too stupid to realize that coffee is hot, and that you should take great care with it? Shit! I’d sue McDonald’s if it wasn’t hot! I HATE cold coffee, and I want my pound of flesh!
6. People who are constantly trying to save me from myself. This encompasses a wide variety of folk, from those who lecture me about drinking (except for my beloved Dr. Kristin), to those who successfully banish the sale of marijuana even for medicinal purposes, to those who try to save my immortal soul by demanding that I see everything their way, to idiots who pass laws that insist that I wear seatbelts. (By the way, I don’t smoke marijuana. It just pisses me off that I couldn’t do it if I wanted to without breaking the law. I also wear seatbelts, and I would wear them even if it wasn’t the law. It just pisses me that I HAVE to wear them or risk getting a $39.00 ticket for it again!)
7. Hideous fathead Rush Limbaugh. He makes a ton of money by playing on stupid people’s fears and prejudices. He reports his opinions as if they were facts, purposely misleading his mentally challenged followers with a complete disregard for something as trivial as The Truth.
8. Ditto-heads. The whole, Don’t-confuse-me-with-the-facts;-my-mind’s-made-up! attitude gets to me sometimes. Do these people really believe that every situation is either black or white? REALLY? I find it almost impossible to believe that some people can be that stupid and that gullible and yet still know how to breathe air.
9. Ceiling fans over my bed that go “ting…ting…ting†when I’m trying to sleep.
10. Rainy days. My mood is definitely affected by the weather. Seriously.
11. Suddenly becoming aware of my tongue, and then trying to figure out where to let it rest in my mouth. Ever have that happen to you? (Sorry.)
12. Flies. All kinds – fruit, tsetse, house, horse, deer. I hate them all.
13. TV weathermen and weatherwomen. There is one guy on a local station who’s tag line is, “And now it’s time for your local Doppler 2000 Dual Pole Pinpoint Technology Weather Forecast, where we show you tomorrow’s weather today.†First of all, I don’t care what software you’re using to guess the weather. Secondly, showing me “tomorrow’s weather today†is the whole idea behind a weather forecast anyway, isn’t it? So why the redundancy? Thirdly, don’t try to scare the crap out of me with the forecast hype. Just tell me what the weather is going to be.
14. The non-word “pondingâ€. Again, this is from hyped-up television weather forecasting. According to the TV weather folks last December, a large snowstorm was predicted to pommel Connecticut back to the Stone Age. The local stations kept on breaking in to national network broadcasting every fifteen minutes with dire predictions of Armageddon. The gigantic, overnight blizzard turned out to be a rainstorm. When I turned on the six a.m. news the next morning, there stood the weatherman, looking into the camera like a deer in the headlights. Rather than admit that he and his colleagues had made a HUGE mistake in predicting the storm, he stood there gravely warning us about severe ponding situations that may be taking place on the streets, causing hazardous driving conditions for the unwary. Do you know what a “severe ponding situation†is? A puddle.
15. Most music written after 1978, and everything that The Bee Gees ever recorded.
I totally agree on the PC crap. It's over the top and it pisses me off a lot too. 
