Jim

Profile

Username:
hayduke
Name:
Jim
Location:
Lindstrom, MN
Birthday:
04/04
Status:
Married

Stats

Post Reads:
105,407
Posts:
402
Last Online:
> 30 days ago
View All »

My Friends

12 days ago
24 days ago
> 30 days ago
> 30 days ago
> 30 days ago
> 30 days ago
> 30 days ago
> 30 days ago

Subscribe

Cranky Swamp Yankee

Health & Fitness > Cancer > Brain Cancer
 

Brain Cancer

As some of you know, I was an abused child. Abused mentally and physically by a sadistic and troubled biological mother.
I left home at eighteen, and never came back. Today, I have nothing to do with my biological mother whatsoever. Years spent in psychologists’ offices have helped me overcome the damage that was caused by my violent and frightening childhood.
My parents divorced when I was thirty years old. I remember my dad coming to me with the news. He wanted to make sure that I wouldn’t think badly of him for leaving her. In fact, I was glad that he had finally grown a pair of brass ones and stood up to her.
My Dad remarried about five years later to a wonderful woman who is caring, intelligent and loving.
I saw how happy she made him, and, because I knew her before I met Mary, I saw something in a woman that I had never seen before – a human side, a devoted and nurturing side, a forgiving, understanding and gentle side.
She became the mother to me that I had never had before. Imagine that? Finally getting a mother at the age of thirty-five?
I have told her many times that she is the BEST mother that I’ve ever had.
I loved her instantly, and she did the same with me.
When my Dad died six years ago, we became even closer.
She tells me that I am the spitting image of him, and that she sees all of his good traits and none of his bad traits in me. She confides in me, telling me how much my dad talked about me in private with her, and how proud he was of me. (My father NEVER paid compliments to a person’s face. Never. Until I heard these stories, I never even knew that he loved me, let alone that he was proud of me.)
She is the person that I can always go to and talk to, other than my Mary, about anything at all that is on my mind. My fears, my joys, my anxieties. She is a true and wonderful mother.
Isn’t it funny that at the age of fifty-five, it is still so important to me that I have a mom to talk to about such things?
About a month ago, she went to the doctor complaining about headaches and problems with her vision. A CT scan was ordered, and it was discovered that she has tumor in her brain. The tumor was determined to be 2 inches in diameter. It is wrapped around the main artery to the brain, and it is somehow attached to the skull.
The results of a full-body scan (PET scan) were presented yesterday. These showed the tumor to be a secondary tumor, but the scan revealed no trace of the primary tumor. The tumor is malignant, and it is a very aggressive cancer. Since the tumor is a secondary one, the cancer is systemic, which means that it traveled from one place in her body to the brain, which means that it is probably in her bone marrow or her lymph nodes or both.
The doctors will operate on July 9th to remove a portion of the tumor. (They have told her that, because of the location in the brain, they will not be able to remove the whole thing.)From the tumor cells, they will be able to determine in which organ the primary tumor resides.
The diagnosis, according to her doctor, is the worst possible one that could be, and the prognosis is scary.
That’s the whole ugly picture right now.
I don’t know what to do. I don’t know whether to leave her alone or to visit with her. I don’t know what to say to her. When I spoke to her yesterday and she gave me the news, all I could say was, “I love you.”
Her response to that was, “Oh! I love you too, Jimmy!” (I’ve always been “Jimmy” to her. That’s what my dad called me.) Then she cried, and, like the big, macho man that I am, I cried right along with her.
***

In spite of this horrible news, I still believe that life is good.
I believe that what is going to be is going to be, and it has to be accepted.
If my mom is going to die, she will have had a wonderful life, and she will be remembered as a truly incredible human being…especially to me.
I know that not everything that takes place has a reason. I know that, many times, life is not fair. However, I also know that nothing is wasted, and everything, including death and grief, is part of our human experience.
None of this reasoning takes away one iota of the grief and fear that is flowing through my body right now.
A part of me, of course, holds out a glimmer of hope that she will survive this trauma, but the reality is that she will not beat this thing.
However, there is something of a comfort, no matter how minuscule, in understanding that everything that occurs, somewhere and somehow, fits into the great cycle of things, and is part of this whole experience that is Life.

posted on July 2, 2008 6:21 AM ()

Comments:

I'm very sorry to hear about your mom, and my thoughts will be with you tomorrow as she undergoes her surgery. And yet, at the same time, as painful as it is watching someone you love suffer, I am so happy for you that she did come into your life and became the mother you always deserved.
comment by mellowdee on July 8, 2008 2:59 PM ()
I am so sorry Jim!! I will keep her in my thoughts and prayers. So the big day is tomorrow?
comment by texastar on July 8, 2008 6:33 AM ()
Dear Jim, I can imagine how heartbreaking this is for you. I don't have to imagine. I was one of my mom's primary caregivers in her final illness.

I know how painful this is. Be there for her, be sure she know you love her and will continue to do so. You don't even have to talk. Just be there. Touch her, hold her hand, put lotion on her hands and gently rub it in. It sounds like you've learned how to get it right already, you'll know what to do.You're in my thoughts and prayers. Hang in, know you are loved and cared about.
Stephy
comment by thestephymore on July 8, 2008 3:51 AM ()
Just be there. Continue to say, "I love you". Sometimes that is all that's needed.
comment by mzscarlett on July 7, 2008 7:10 PM ()
Wow Jim, I'm so sorry to hear about your mom. Regardless of when she came into your life she is your mom and she loves you just as her own son... I say spend all the time you can with her. Love her, be with her, and cherish her, she's your fantabulous mom! I hope for the very best outcome for her.
comment by jennrud on July 6, 2008 7:09 PM ()
I wrote a little about this over on my page. Because I'm cool.
comment by oombutu on July 6, 2008 6:15 PM ()
I am so sorry to here about your mom. It sounds like she was a big part in your healing and I know that you will always remember her. It's not the length of her life, but how she lived it, and in doing so she will be immortal as long as she is remembered in some way. So weather she has months or years left to go I know that you, and she, and all the people lucky enough to be in her life, will make it the best and let her live on through you
comment by ducky on July 4, 2008 5:49 AM ()
Jim, you have so many people praying for you. This is just heartbreaking news. She is a wonderful woman, who made the difference in your life... Take care of yourself...
comment by sunlight on July 3, 2008 7:38 PM ()
Despite the horrible news, you (again) have a great perspective on the situation. No blaming, no woe is me. Life. Just the way it is. Remain positive. Who knows the outcome.
comment by solitaire on July 3, 2008 11:12 AM ()
I'm so sorry. You have no idea. My mom was truly my best friend when she left us so many years ago. I miss her still, but the legacy she left keeps her alive in my heart. I will pray for her.
comment by teacherwoman on July 3, 2008 9:18 AM ()
Well. Reading this certainly put a jolt into my morning. I shared this info w/my mother, someone who prays wholeheartedly every morning before she does anything else. I'm not nearly as spiritual as she is, but at times, have issued desperate prayers and appeals to the community that is God, Spirit, and Son. Before I head out on any endeavor today, I'm joining my mom in quiet prayer for your mom, you, and your family. It is so like you to end an article on the up note. As you lean into painful reality, you will disposition yourself to view the good in life. This is constructive and new seeds of goodness will be sown. Our hearts go out to you, so be encouraged, take heart, open yourself to continued life lessons.
comment by november on July 3, 2008 8:47 AM ()
My heart goes out to you! I will be praying for your Mom and for you and your family. I have closely and lovingly accompanied a number of loved ones through terminal cancer, including my Mom, so if I can help you in any way as you go through this, please ask. The time ahead will be difficult, but it is also very precious, and it is absolutely not without hope. May I offer one quote that has helped me?

"A true friend knows your weaknesses but shows you your strengths; feels your fears but fortifies your faith; sees your anxieties but frees your spirit; recognizes your disabilities but emphasizes your possibilities." — William Arthur Ward
comment by marta on July 3, 2008 5:55 AM ()
Fifteen years ago you were an angry jerk but a miracle happened and things changed. Don't stop believing in miracles just yet, and don't let her either. I'll be keeping you both in prayer.
comment by justmyopinion on July 2, 2008 6:03 PM ()
Oh Jim, that was so beautifully written. I just know I would absolutely adore you and Mary. You're a lovely soul with a huge huge heart. I'm so sorry to hear of this sad news. You're handling it with the utmost grace I've ever know. Bless your loving heart.
comment by shesaidwhat on July 2, 2008 3:02 PM ()
sending prayers
comment by firststarisee on July 2, 2008 12:13 PM ()
This is such sad news. I'll pray for your mom...
comment by mattguru18 on July 2, 2008 11:04 AM ()
Jim I am so sorry to hear this..I'm sending prayers heavenward as I type this..*hugs tight*
comment by elfie33 on July 2, 2008 10:38 AM ()
You and your mom, are in my thoughts and prayers (a.k.a. Wanda)
comment by augusta on July 2, 2008 10:31 AM ()
Ask the doctors about clincial trials when it gets to be bad. Often times people who have had brain cancer can live a normal life for many years. You never know it doesn't hurt to ask! We'll be thinking good thoughts for you and your family!
comment by spicybitch on July 2, 2008 10:01 AM ()
comment by meranda on July 2, 2008 7:37 AM ()
You and your mom will be in my thoughts, Jim.
comment by looserobes on July 2, 2008 7:05 AM ()
that is indeed heart breaking news. I think your mom will need you now more than ever. to lean on and for encouragement. just be there for her like she has been there for you.
comment by elkhound on July 2, 2008 7:04 AM ()
dayum... that's so sad mister. I hope the best for her, I really do...
comment by kristilyn3 on July 2, 2008 6:47 AM ()

Comment on this article   


402 articles found   [ Previous Article ]  [ Next Article ]  [ First ]  [ Last ]