Jim

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Username:: hayduke
Name:: Jim
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Birthday:: 04/04
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Cranky Swamp Yankee

Life & Events > I Still Miss Someone

I Still Miss Someone

I drove past the cemetery where my Dad is buried today. I was coming home from work, and I made a slight detour in my normal route to swing by the place. However, when I got there, I didn't go in.
My Dad died six and a half years ago, and the last time I was at his gravesite was the day of his funeral.
He would have been 76 years old this past Monday, Dec. 15.
When he was alive, I saw him pretty near every day for the last twenty years. We worked together in the family business.
We fought a lot.
Dad and I had different goals and different views of the world...but we loved each other.
I particularly loved him for the way that he tried to shield me from a brutal and out-of-control mother. He would take my side and get between us...and he would pay Hell for it afterwards.
I haven't visited his gravesite even once in six and a half years.
Is that wrong?
I'm feeling guilty.
I almost went in today. Almost. I drove right up the entrance of the cemetery...then I chickened out.
I even got out of the car right there and looked through the fence, looking for the site. But my legs felt like jelly, and my head went numb. So I just got back in the car and drove slowly away.
I don't know what stopped me. I just knew that I couldn't go in there. Not yet. Maybe not ever.
Again I ask, is that wrong?
I loved my Dad.
Still do.
I miss him like crazy today.
Happy Birthday, old man.

posted on Dec 17, 2008 7:09 PM ()

Comments:

I miss my parents. I'd just like to sit down and have a conversation about life in general. I think I would talk to Dad about what I have learned in researching his family genealogy. And Mom... well, I'd introduce her to the internet. She would love blogging. She died in 1977 and no one knew about blogging back then.

comment by anniel on Dec 21, 2008 2:08 AM ()

It's so tough to lose loving parents..I can understand your reluctance...I've done this too...

comment by strider333 on Dec 20, 2008 3:00 PM ()

I'm so sorry Jim. it's been 7 and a 1/2 years since my mom passed. it's hard to believe sometimes. I visit her grave when I can, but always alone. I cannot go there with anyone else. it's just such a personal, intimate thing in my opinion. but don't me wrong, it's definitely bizarre and sort of surreal to go there. it's therapeutic in a way, certainly. I go and talk to her, and I bring flowers from time to time.

my sister is just like you. it's a lot harder for her to bring herself to go. so PLEASE don't feel guilty about not going - it doesn't make you a bad person, or a bad son. everyone grieves in their own way, and you have to do what's right for you. your apprehension is totally normal, and you shouldn't feel guilty about it. you know your dad loves you and he's not holding a grudge because you won't see his grave site.

I hope one day that maybe you do decide to see your dad's plot, because I think it would allay your fears. but by all means, you do it when you are absolutely ready to.

my heart goes out to you, Jim. take care

comment by chimpy on Dec 19, 2008 3:51 PM ()

I don't think you should feel guilty about something you seem unable to do right now (or ever) Do you really want to go to the gravesite or do you just think it's something you must do because that's what people do? Do you know why you can't go in? Are you afraid that you'll break down? If so, would that be a bad thing? (I see from previous comments and reply's that perhaps your guilt about not visiting the grave is "religion-related" which can be hard to overcome)

Some people just don't want too or need to be at the gravesite. Of course, for others, it's a very symbolic thing for them to do. There's no wrong or right way to grieve and/or remember/love/honor someone.

I haven't ever been to my Grandma's gravesite. None of my family has. I don't need to be in that "spot" for any reason. I wish her Happy Birthday right from inside my head. I wish her Merry Christmas the same way. I talk to her all the time. I smell her in the house sometimes. She visits me in my dreams and there isn't a family event ever, that we don't talk about what a beautiful wonderful loving funny woman she was and how much we all love and miss her

comment by shesaidwhat on Dec 18, 2008 12:01 PM ()

The immortality that we have is in the memory of those who loved us. That makes your Dad immortal. He isn't at that grave site but he lives on in your mind and heart.

comment by elderjane on Dec 18, 2008 9:50 AM ()

It took my brother ten years before he was able to go to our father's gravesite. Each person has to deal with this according to his own feelings. It is intensely private and you should not have to question your decision in the least. If and when you feel differently, you will know it.

comment by redimpala on Dec 18, 2008 8:36 AM ()

Put aside that Catholic guilt trip. Your memories of your father are much more real and more precious than the empty experience one gets from a cemetery plot.

comment by looserobes on Dec 18, 2008 7:53 AM ()

I seldom visit my mother's tombstone (she was cremated). I don't know why either. Perhaps I'm too "manly"--afraid I'll fall apart in an emotional melt-down. Nothing wrong with that, I know. Maybe the next time?

comment by solitaire on Dec 18, 2008 7:28 AM ()

comment by meranda on Dec 18, 2008 6:41 AM ()

comment by kristilyn3 on Dec 18, 2008 6:29 AM ()

when people pass from this world, their spirit moves on. the body is left overs. they are not there. reminds me of a poem i love....

Do not stand at my grave and weep,
I am not there, I do not sleep.
I am in a thousand winds that blow,
I am the softly falling snow.
I am the gentle showers of rain,
I am the fields of ripening grain.
I am in the morning hush,
I am in the graceful rush
Of beautiful birds in circling flight,
I am the starshine of the night.
I am in the flowers that bloom,
I am in a quiet room.
I am in the birds that sing,
I am in each lovely thing.
Do not stand at my grave and cry,
I am not there. I do not die.

comment by lizbeth on Dec 17, 2008 10:24 PM ()

That's a lovely little tribute to your father. As for your question, is it wrong not to visit his grave site, IMHO, I'd say no. Your father will always be loved in your heart and treasured in your memories. He can't get much closer to you than that. An engraved headstone is just a headstone.... a marker for the final resting place of a physical shell. Your father isn't there, he is with you.

comment by mellowdee on Dec 17, 2008 7:35 PM ()

I haven't been to my mother's grave since she was buried in '94. Neither my brother nor I have any business in the neighborhood where the cemetery is, and she wouldn't mind a bit that we don't go near that neighborhood even tho my brother is a court officer and is usually armed.

But safety isn't really the issue. She's not really there. And the mental activity, memories, can take place anywhere. I think of her from time to time, and tell Donna a story about her now and then, but I don't have any problem with not going down-state to the cemetery. My father has been dead since I was 13, but now that I think about it, I believe they are buried in the same grave.

comment by jjoohhnn on Dec 17, 2008 7:24 PM ()

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I Still Miss Someone