Rihanna and Chris Brown Photo by: Fame (2)
How Could Rihanna Take Back Chris Brown?

While Rihanna and Chris Brown's reconciliation
after an alleged abuse incident has shocked family and friends, domestic
violence experts say it's all too common for a woman to return – often
repeatedly.

In fact, experts say, it's unrealistic to expect women
not to go back to their abusers, be they husbands or boyfriends, as the
victims grapple with feelings of guilt, fear, isolation – even love.

"It
never surprises me," says Violent Partners author Linda Mills, who
believes therapists and people close to couples in abusive relationships must
accept this seemingly fact. "If you start with 'You shouldn't go back,' you very
often lose the person [you are trying to help]. They won't talk to you."

Rihanna, 21, and Brown, 19, reunited last week in Miami about
three weeks after he allegedly
battered the singer early the morning of Feb. 8 in Los Angeles.


No Charges Yet Filed


Police continue to investigate the case and no
formal charges have yet been filed against Brown, who was booked on a felony
criminal threat charge. Brown has no known criminal background, and though
people close to the pair say they've had a tumultuous relationship at times,
there had never been any indication of violence until now.

After the
arrest, Brown and Rihanna spent time apart. Brown released a statement at the time,
saying, "Words cannot begin to express how sorry and saddened I am over what
transpired" and noted that he was "seeking the counseling of my pastor, my
mother and other loved ones."

According to experts, there was nothing
surprising in the reunion between Brown and Rihanna, who after spending time in
Miami both returned to Los Angeles on the same plane Monday morning.


Reconciliation Period


According to psychologist and author Lenore
Walker, the average battered woman endures three to five violent incidents, from
having her arm grabbed to an all-out beating, before she gives up on the
relationship.

The reconciliation usually happens during what experts
call the honeymoon phase in the cycle of violence, that cooling-down period
after the attack when the abusive partner often expresses remorse and begs for
forgiveness.

"The man is saying he's sorry, he didn't mean it, that
it'll never happen again," says Walker. "It's the loving behavior that
reinforces a woman to stay, because they believe the violent act isn't a true
reflection of their man."

If anything, the victim will often blame
herself – and the attacker will agree with her. "The abuser also tries very hard
to convince the victim that the attack was their fault," says Dr. Elizabeth
Miller, a Sacramento, Calif., pediatrician and domestic violence expert. "It's
common to say, 'Honey, if you hadn't upset me, this would've never happened.' "


In many cases, financial pressures draw a woman back, particularly if
she has children and doesn't work outside the home. But even among those with
money, there's still "psychological warfare," says Jeffrey Gardere, a clinical
psychologist. "[An abuser says:] I'm going to isolate you. I'm going to put you
completely under my thumb, under my power so if you leave me, then you are going
to be in big, big trouble because you won't be able to take care of the kids or
yourself."


Isolation and Love


But it's love, in all its complexities, that can
often be the most powerful force for reconciliation for a battered woman. "They
have insight into somebody in a way that none of us do," says Mills, who runs a
program in Arizona that brings together couples with family members and a
volunteer from the community to talk over what actually happened in a
domestic-violence event. The process usually goes on for months.

"The
ideal might be that we can separate people who are in a violent relationship,
but the problem is that that's not the reality," Mills says. "I address the
reality, which is that people go back, and they're looking for avenues for the
possibility of working through this issue like any other rupture in a
relationship, working through this issue to the point where the violence could
stop."

For more on Rihanna and Chris Brown's reconciliation, pick up
this week's PEOPLE, on newsstands Friday